WTF Is A Relationship Bid?

I don’t know about you, but when my wife brings me an unrequested steamy cup of coffee — or offers to rub my shoulders after a workout — or she gives me a random compliment — I am crystal clear that she’s trying to connect with me. 

But what if I told you that even when she does the things that drive me crazy, she’s often trying to connect? 

I’m talking about Relationship Bids — a term that shrinks have been tossing around for a while and has recently found its way to the masses. 

A relationship bid is any communication a partner initiates for connection.

We all know how to recognize the obvious ones. But when we miss the not-so-obvious ones, it can be really hurtful — both to our partners and to our relationship. 

So I figured, what better way to teach you about relationship bids than to give you examples of the ones I repeatedly miss (respond to like an asshole) — so maybe you won’t.

What follows are my top (or bottom, depending on your perspective) relationship bid fails:

 

STEPH: “OMG, look how cute Buddha [our dog] is in this video!”

DARCY: “Can you pause the TV when you’re going to talk?”

MISTAKE: It’s the end of the day and I just want to zone out and watch TV. I don’t recognize this as a bid for connection. It feels to me like she’s asking me to focus on two things at once. And I’m annoyed.

BETTER: “One second.” [Darcy pauses TV herself]. “OK. Lemme see.”

WHY: It shows Steph that I want to give her my attention. Also, the first way makes her not want to show me the dumb video. 

STEPH: “I can’t fucking believe what’s happening in Ukraine. What is wrong with ppl?” 

DARCY: “Can we talk about something we actually have control over?”

MISTAKE: When she brings up anything on the news, it doesn’t occur to me that it’s a bid for connection. I’m trying to limit my exposure to conversations that will send me into an existential crisis. 

BETTER: “What happened?”

WHY: It shows Steph that I’m interested in hearing more, which fosters connection. She might have had a specific point she was trying to make and probably wasn’t going to go on forever.

 

STEPH [seeing Darcy on her computer at eleven at night]: “What are you doing?”

DARCY: “Steph, I’m just wrapping up something for work. Is that OK?”

MISTAKE: I’m assuming Steph is criticizing me because really, unless you’re solving world peace, hunger, or cancer, you don’t need to be on your computer all night long. I’m defensive + my mistake is mostly in the condescending tone I used — not the actual words. 

BETTER: “I’m wrapping up something with a client. Miss me?”

WHY: If it’s said with the right tone, it communicates playfulness and openness to connection.