Why You Should Wait To Get Engaged

A friend of mine recently started dating someone new and he is…GONE. 

To say he’s obsessed with his girlfriend doesn’t do it justice. 

And to be clear, he should feel the way he’s feeling. If I could bottle that feeling, I’d drink from it every day. And I’d sell that shit. 

There is nothing like the beginning of a relationship. Those months (or years, if you’re lucky) are when we create the memories that keep us fighting for the relationship in the years that follow. 

The mistake we make is thinking that those feelings in the beginning are sustainable. 

I am sorry to say, they are not. 

What we experience in the beginning (aka the Honeymoon Stage) is a product of neurochemicals that our brains produce which flood us with feel good hormones along with dopamine and serotonin. 

The culmination is an infatuation smoothie that brings out our best self, as well as our partner’s best self, while simultaneously diminishing both partners’ ability to spot whatever flaws and red flags might be present. 

We are essentially high. 

And that is why I am against making a firm commitment before you come down from it all. 

So when my friend mentioned to me that they’re talking about getting engaged after just four months of dating, I heard myself say, “I mean, it’s been four months. Maybe just enjoy where you’re at for now?”  

And he said, “Darcy, when you know, you know.” 

That’s the thing about the honeymoon. You think other people just don’t get it because they’ve never felt the way you feel. 

“I just want you to get past the honeymoon to know if the other version of her is one you can live with and love. Marriage is a long business.”

He probably won’t listen to me. Love has a stronger pull than logic. 

What’s waiting for him on the other side of the Honeymoon is what I call Organic Love. It’s the second of three relationship stages. 

Most relationships never get to the third stage. They die in Organic Love. 

The bickering — which is the hallmark of Organic Love and universal — is usually seen as a red flag. 

We tell ourselves things like I picked the wrong partner. They changed. I don’t know what was wrong with me that I didn’t see who they really are. 

And most people break up.

What they miss — what most of us miss — is viewing this as a growth opportunity. 

The only way to get past Organic Love is to learn relationship skills, like how to have difficult conversations, how and when to communicate, how to compromise, and how to make up and repair. 

Those are the skills that get you to the third relationship stage — Mindful Love. 

In Mindful Love, you’ve learned how to manage your own emotions. You’ve learned what your partner’s weaknesses are and you know how to work around them instead of fighting them. You’ve been through all the things and made it through, which gives you a blueprint for navigating tough times in the future — the confidence that together you can get through anything. 

Most importantly, you’ve learned to mindfully behave in the ways that were effortless during the honeymoon, which is the stuff that made you fall in love in the first place. 

You accept that you can’t rely on intrinsically feeling motivated to do nice things for your partner. Or to show up for them in a way that makes them want to be in a relationship with you. 

In Mindful Love, you do not rely on feeling love to engage in loving behaviors.