Why The F*!k Am I The Only One In Therapy?

Even though I’ve built a specialty as a relationship therapist who only works with individuals, over time my clients invariably begin to resent doing “all the work” to improve their relationships — whether it’s work on an intimate relationship or with members of their family. 

I get it. 

Of my 4 siblings, only one (to my knowledge) has ever deigned to enter individual therapy. And my mother’s therapists were about the most enabling I’ve come across  — with one turning a blind eye to her gambling addiction and the other deciding there was no point in trying to foster peace within the family given the number of years we’d lived in the rot of our patterns. 

I have wrestled with the fury of doing the heavy emotional lifting in life. And I sometimes still do.  

But because I don’t want to stew in resentment, I’ve come up with some hacks. 

Because really, what other option do I have?

I want to be happy. Or at least not miserable. And since I can’t make my loved ones do their own work, I’ve decided that my work involves tolerating that fact. 

Here are 3 cognitive reframes that have helped me: 

The heavy lifting falls to the one with the biggest muscles. Just like I’d ask the strongest person in the room to move a heavy box, I remind myself that I’ve built the emotional muscles to pull more weight in my relationships. I don’t expect others to have my relationship skills because none of us are taught them and the only reason I’ve learned them is because it’s my job. And I’ve proven over the years that it only takes one person to change a relationship. 

We’re all different. Even siblings raised by the same parents have different childhood experiences from one another. My wounds left me wanting more out of life, so I’ve invested the time, money, and energy to sew the worst of my lacerations up. And the relief I’ve felt from doing that work has made me want to keep going. I’ll be in and out of therapy for life. Not everyone responds to pain the way I do. Not everyone has the stomach to face their gore. I consider myself lucky that I’m this way. 

Relationship skills are contagious. I know this because I watch my individual clients change their relationships by changing themselves. And even though the change in my personal relationships never happens fast enough for me, when I zoom out I can absolutely see a difference. So I do my best to walk the way I talk. I remind myself to stay focused on myself and I try not to constantly offer my loved ones unsolicited advice. A task that I fail miserably at but which I get better at every year.