Why Does My Fiancé Freeze Up When We Fight?

Me and my fiancé have arguments like any other couple but he freezes up and becomes sarcastic with what I’m trying to work through. I want to work on getting through the arguments the correct way by not having it blow up big time. But he says he doesn’t ever know what to say. He says he feels under pressure in these situations. So my question is: What do I do? 

We’re all hardwired to respond to conflict in one of three survival response styles: Fight, Flight or Freeze.

Our “hardwiring” happens through a combination of nature (how we’re born) and nurture (what worked for us / kept us safe when we were growing). 

Your guy’s a freezer. 

What tipped me off is when he said he feels pressure during conflict. That’s a feeling that freezers (and sometimes flighters / runners report having).  

Keep in mind: The way our response styles look in 2022 isn’t necessarily in the literal sense — meaning, instead of pummeling people when they’re triggered, a fighter’s more likely to use lots of words. They’re also more likely to try and seek an immediate resolution to the situation / have very little ability to sit with discomfort and postpone discussing their feelings. Conflict can be like a fuel injector for these folks, helping their brain churn through solutions to problems. I’m betting this is your style. 

Flighters (weird word – I prefer “runners”) don’t necessarily run out the door (though they may) in times of conflict. They’re more likely to be unavailable by being workaholics, have lots of commitments / hobbies, or, if they’re physically available, they may be emotionally checked out through some vice, like over drinking.   

Freezers, well, they learned to be quiet during conflict. It’s how they stayed out of trouble and remained safe. They grew up feeling powerless to advocate for themselves (or were punished when they tried). Conflict doesn’t jumpstart their brain into action the way it does a fighter. It slows it down, helping them get small and quiet and be invisible. 

There are no “bad” survival response styles. Our response styles kept us safe as children, so they worked. Thing is, as adults, they’re not necessarily serving us —and for sure your fiancé’s is not helping you guys come to a productive outcome. 

Here’s what to do with your guy: 

STEP ONE
In a calm moment, tell him that you want to brainstorm with him a way to talk about serious topics so that he doesn’t feel too much pressure in those moments. Do not have that conversation yet. Just get him to agree and schedule a time to talk about it within the week. Then…

STEP TWO
Send him this blog.

STEP THREE (I’m speaking directly to your man now):
If you’re the way your fiancé is describing you, you’re not someone who does well thinking on his feet in conflict — which is fine, because the solution is simple: You just need notice ahead of time, and you need to know what the agenda is so you can be prepared and don’t freeze up. So the next time she needs to talk, tell her to text you or email you her feelings, and schedule a time to discuss her feelings with her within the next 7 days. That gives you enough time to prepare.

You’ll probably want to use this tool so you can keep things calm and deescalated during that talk. LMK how that works for you.

Writer’s Demographics
Gender: Female
Sexual Orientation: Straight