What is Jealousy?
Jealousy is a normal human emotion that everyone experiences from time to time. In fact, humans are actually hard-wired to feel jealousy. We believe that early in our evolution, jealousy emerged as a protective strategy in certain situations, like in protecting our clan or family when resources were under threat or limited. We see jealousy in every part of the world, and in children as young as 4 years old. This is called Biological Jealousy.
What is Obsessive Jealousy?
What distinguishes Biological Jealousy from a different and toxic form of jealousy is the frequency and intensity of your jealous thoughts and feelings. Whereas Biological Jealousy is simply experienced as an emotion, Obsessive Jealousy is the intersection of a thought, an emotion, and a response.
When someone has Obsessive Jealousy and they’re triggered by jealousy, those moments are called Jealous Episodes. Jealous episodes happen when you feel jealous and you engage in negative behaviors as a way to cope with the way you’re feeling.
People who suffer from Obsessive Jealousy respond to their jealous feelings in various ways, such as:
- Confronting their partner to discuss their feelings in an attempt to resolve an issue.
- Pulling away from their partner by shutting down, becoming withdrawn, and avoiding them.
- Searching for information by looking through their partner’s social media accounts, going through their text messages or email, or other private items.
Why Am I Jealous?
The reason we emerge from childhood with any relationship issues is, in part, a result of our experiences in our first loving relationship — our relationship with our mothers or primary caregivers.
As a baby, you learned how to attach to other people based on how responsive your mother was to meeting your needs. If your mother was responsive in meeting your needs, and fairly consistent about how she met them — meaning, she:
- Picked you up when you cried
- Offered you food
- Kept your diaper clean
- Remained calm in your presence
…you likely emerged from childhood having learned how to securely attach to people.
However, if your mother didn’t respond to your needs consistently, or she responded with hostility, you may have emerged from childhood having learned how to insecurely attach to people.
Whether you emerged from childhood with a secure or insecure attachment style, it’s laid the blueprint for all your adult relationships — romantic and platonic.
Why do I feel out of control when I'm jealous?
The reason you feel out of control when you’re jealous is because — you literally are out of control.
When you’re triggered by Obsessive Jealousy, a part of your brain called the amygdala activates. The amygdala has one function — to keep you alive. And it does that by triggering your fight, flight, and freeze responses.
The amygdala is often referred to as the reptilian brain because it was vital to human survival early in our evolution. It’s the part of the brain that took over when a person came face-to-face with a life or death situation — like a bear wandering into a family’s dwelling.
As civilization has evolved, we aren’t confronted with those same life or death situations on a regular basis like our early ancestors were. But our amygdalas have remained a functional part of our brains. What’s different is that the amygdala has adapted to becoming triggered by modern-day threats, such as:
- A potential threat sliding into your partner’s DMs
- When your partner receives dozens of texts and you don’t know who they’re talking to
- When someone else compliments your partner’s appearance
When your amygdala is activated, you’re unable to:
- Think clearly
- Anticipate the consequences of your actions
- Imagine that what you’re feeling will eventually pass
The reason you feel out of control when you’re jealous is because you’re in a part of your brain that does not allow your rational, thinking brain to remain in control.
Overcoming jealous thoughts and feelings
Jealousy is a complex issue, but it is possible to cure through neuroplasticity. Neuroplasticity is the ability of the brain to form and reorganize synaptic connections, especially in response to learning, experience, or following an injury. In layman's terms — it’s the ability of the brain to rewire itself based on what it’s exposed to.
What does this mean for people who suffer from obsessive jealousy? It means if we can disrupt your historical pattern of obsessive jealousy and jealousy episodes and create new, healthy patterns, over time your brain will create new synaptic connections so that you’re no longer triggered by obsessive jealousy.
Curious to know how jealous you really are?
Take my quiz to see where you fall on the Obsessive Jealousy Scale.