When The Fear Of Losing Your Partner Causes You To Lose Your Partner

I am in a relationship with someone who is a dear friend. We’ve always had a magical connection and in the beginning of this year things between us lit up drastically. This is truly the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. However, I’m the first girl she’s been with and I have this fear of her leaving me and it turning out to have just been a phase. 

I’m aware that it’s holding me back emotionally. What can I do to get over this fear?

 

All relationships come with uncertainty — but the one you signed up for raises the uncertainty quotient. Which is why, if you were my client, I’d discourage you from partnering with her.

But since we don’t have a time machine and you’re already in this up to your neck, I’m going to try to ground you so you don’t continue to withhold emotionally from her. ‘Cause if you do, you’re probably going to lose her for reasons that have nothing to do with her sexual orientation. 

There are no guarantees in relationships. Anyone can get out at any time. And that’s the good news. Here’s why:

The fact that our partners can exit the relationship at any moment should be the catalyst for making us show up as better partners. We should work hard in our relationships. We should challenge ourselves to be more emotionally present, to speak our partner’s love language, and to develop and hone our relationship skills so that disagreements are resolved and bring us closer.

When I was younger and dating an ex, I had a pervasive fear that the relationship wouldn’t lead to marriage. I was so preoccupied by my concern that the relationship was temporary that I made us both miserable. 

Then one day a friend’s mother sat me down and gave me some of the best relationship advice I’ve ever gotten: 

“Darcy, instead of focusing on whether the relationship leads to marriage, why don’t you focus on making [the ex] as happy as possible? Because I’ve never heard of a really happy person ending a relationship.”

That’s your growth challenge. Take all that energy that’s focused on losing her and redirect it. Commit to becoming a better partner. Learn her love language. Learn how to speak it. Up your relationship skills. Make her so happy that if it doesn’t work out, you know there’s no way it was because of how you showed up in the relationship.  

 

Writer’s Demographics

Gender: Female

Sexual Orientation: Lesbian