What To Do When You Think Your Friend Has An Eating Disorder

I have a childhood friend who over the last few years has been isolating herself from friends and has started showing signs of an eating disorder. Every time I see her it’s at a public event (so I can’t say anything or ask how she’s doing I don’t want to embarrass her) and it seems to be getting worse every time I see her. I want to start the conversation but in a loving positive way but don’t know where to start or what to do? I feel like everyone around her is afraid to say something.

People who have an eating disorder almost never realize it, and if they do, they usually deny it. And here’s the other thing: the eating disorder itself is a symptom of a deeper problem. It’s an outward manifestation of something that’s happening on the inside. 

For those two reasons, please do NOT discuss her weight, her body, or her eating habits.

Years ago, I worked with a client who had the most severe case of bulimia I’ve ever seen. People who binge and purge are usually average weight, but her disorder was so extreme that her weight was in the double digits at about 5’ 6” and she couldn’t remember the last time she had a period when we first met. 

I didn’t have specialized training in eating disorders but I’d had my own struggles with one so I followed the advice I gave you above: I almost never discussed her body, her weight, or food, because I knew it would provoke a power struggle between us and distract us from the real issue. 

You need to look beyond the eating disorder and figure out what the real issue is. I know you’re no shrink but you sound like someone who pays attention to the people she cares about. 

Make plans to hang out with her. Call her on the phone. FaceTime her. Text her. Try to deepen your connection. It takes two people to isolate: One to avoid. The other to stop pursuing. 

Tell her about a struggle you’re currently experiencing because being vulnerable tends to invite the other person to do the same. No one wants to be the ‘broken’ friend, so helping her see that you’re not perfect may open a door that’s currently closed. Once she’s told you what’s going on, encourage her to find a therapist. The pandemic has completely upended the mental health profession making it possible to work with a therapist outside of your geographic location from your own home. It’s made getting the right help a lot less difficult. 

She’s lucky to have a friend who’s willing to take the time to figure out what to do — and who has the courage to say the thing no one else is willing to say. And while those character traits are strengths in you, they could lead you to form relationships with lots of broken people which, aside from being bad for you, could pull your loved ones out of pain just enough that they lose the motivation to get the help they really need. And that’s not good for anyone.

 

Writer’s Demographics
Gender: Female
Sexual Orientation: Straight

PS: That client I referenced fully recovered and she continued to send me holiday cards for many years. Last I heard she was married with two children.