The Other F-Word

Doctor Darcy, my boyfriend of almost 2 years still says he can’t commit to be with me forever. I don’t understand!

We’ve said I love you for over a year. We live together and we talk about getting engaged. But he refuses to say the word “forever” and the more he refuses, the more I think about it and seem to need to hear it. 

Is it unreasonable that I need to hear it? Or do I need to get over it???

 

For a certain segment of the population, being asked to promise forever is basically the f-word. 

Does it mean your relationship can’t work out? That’ll depend more on you than on him… 

You’re essentially in a power struggle which is a normal part of a relationship. You’re expressing your need to hear the word forever and he’s expressing his discomfort in making a promise that he’s not sure he can keep. 

Look, if you think about it from a hyper-logical standpoint, NONE of us can really promise forever, even when we promise forever. 

No one has a crystal ball. We have no idea what the future holds. 

What we mean when we say forever — if we’re being honest — is that we promise to be there for the foreseeable future. And since that’s about the least sexy or romantic thing a person can say, most of us say forever. 

I honestly feel for straight couples because the way we socialize girls and boys basically ensures that there’s going to be an incompatibility in what each partner is looking for. Boys are taught to avoid “settling” down for as long as possible. Girls are taught that our worth is largely contingent on being in a long-term relationship.

In same-sex couples, while there are certainly individuals who fall outside those stereotypes, we’re more likely to look for the same relationship status, as evidenced by the term U-Hauling. 

Now, aside from the stereotypes I listed above, there is another cohort of individuals who brace against commitment, and those are people who have an avoidant attachment style. These are people who didn’t get their needs met consistently or properly as babies, so instead of living in a prolonged state of depreciation, they learned to shut down their needs to accommodate their caregiver’s limited ability to nurture them the way they needed. 

But this is really more about you than your guy, so let me pivot. 

You’ve attached meaning to the word forever and particularly in your boyfriend’s unwillingness to promise forever, and it doesn’t have to be that way. 

I don’t see his unwillingness to use the f-word as a red flag. And I think the more you demand it, the less willing he’ll be to give it. 

I say focus on what he has said: He loves you. You live together. He’s willing to discuss getting engaged. 

Channel your energy into being a better partner week-after-week. 

Make your guy happy. 

I’ve never heard of a guy leaving his girlfriend/fiancé/wife when he’s happy.

To me, that’s the best way to ensure forever. 

 

Writer’s Demographics

Gender: Female

Sexual Orientation: Straight