The New Safe Word

Every secure relationship is prone to disagreements because the people in the relationship have unique histories, wounds, opinions, thoughts, and world views. 

Disagreements are not fights. Fights happen when people lack relationship skills or the self-discipline to employ relationship skills. 

But even the most therapy-savvy veteran can find herself waist-deep in an argument, unclear about how she got there, but knowing she’s reaching a tipping point where [metaphoric] blows are starting to land too low. 

So what do you do when you’re inclined to take off your gloves? Or your ring?  

You turn to a safe word. The kind you use in arguments.

Using a safe word during a fight signals that you’re in pain and you’re requesting that things immediately deescalate. It tells the person that you want to stop fighting because it’s either gone too far or it’s about to. 

Using a safe word is not about surrendering. It’s about communicating. 

Surrendering implies that one person wins and the other loses. I’m here to tell you that if either of you lose during a fight, there can be no winner because the relationship loses.  

History is littered with examples of failed relationships in which one person was a better debater. We see it in long-term relationships, marriages, business partnerships, and in bands that break up. None of us reflect on them and think, that one guy really landed some blows! 

We mostly shake our heads and turn to the next distraction. Which is why I don’t want you to get caught up in winning during disagreements. Because a true win is hitting the breaks when things are escalating. 

HOW TO EMPLOY A SAFE WORD

Pick a calm moment to share this blog with your partner and ask to have a discussion about it. 

Once your partner is on board with the concept, choose a neutral word as your safe word. 

Stay away from any words that can sound condescending — especially in the heat of the moment. I once suggested to a client that she choose a fruit as her safe word. The next week the client reported that it backfired when she repeatedly yelled the word “Bananas!” during a fight. 

So, don’t pick the word bananas. 

Once you have the safe word, decide what it means. 

I usually suggest that people do not use it the way they would use a time-out, which involves taking space from each other. 

With a safe word, I usually suggest that partners agree to a pre-scripted response, like immediately pausing the discussion for a minute to deescalate before agreeing to hug and change the subject or focus on a different activity. 

The final part of the safe word is deciding (ahead of time — like when you choose your safe word) what the timeframe will be for revisiting the topic. I like to encourage people to do it within 24-hours whenever possible, or at the very least to calendar a time to come back to it within 24-hours. That way, no one feels like they’re being blown off because they know the conversation will conclude and by when. 

Last thing: Do not use the same safe word as your other safe word.