Q

Dear Dr. Darcy:

My boyfriend and I were together 3 months before lockdown started and because he was basically at my place all the time, we decided he’d stay with me until things opened up again.

I feel like I should back up and say that at the time of lockdown, we were having non-stop sex. It’s part of the reason we decided to basically live together during the pandemic.

Today is 6 months we’ve been together and our sex life has flatlined. I’m lucky if we have sex twice a week. I keep talking to him about it, telling him that sex is a part of our relationship, like it’s part of the deal, and when I’m always the one asking for it or initiating I feel like a bitch.

He’s willing to have sex when I ask for it, but I feel like if I never asked for it again, we’d have it like once a month if that.

Are we just incompatible?

A

The problem isn’t your differing sex drives. It’s your (<- singular) expectation that A) things never change, and B) It’s your boyfriend’s job to meet your needs.

I’m just going to address Part B.

What you’re telling me is that if you initiate sex, you generally get it. Which tells me that the issue isn’t your sexual need, it’s your ego.

It’s not enough that he essentially sleeps with you on demand – you have some hang up with asking for it.

Let me tell you something: In relationships, we have to ask for things. All the time. Sometimes we have to have long, in-depth conversations to explain why we need what we need. Doing this doesn’t make us a bitch. It makes us willing to engage in vulnerability.

It’s your aversion to being vulnerable that’s your problem.

You think it’s your partner’s job to not only meet your need, but to do it in a way that insulates your ego from having to own the need. This is a mental problem. It has nothing to do with sex drive.

In relationships, each partner has varying levels of need for emotional connection, sex, financial stability, physical touch, warm words, cleanliness, tidiness, time together, time alone, hobbies, socialization, excitement, entertainment, etc.

The right partner is not the person whose needs perfectly mirror yours. It’s the person who is willing to accommodate yours when you ask. And by accommodate, I don’t mean 100% of the time. We’re lucky if our partners meet our needs 75% of the time.

You don’t want to be a bitch? Grab your balls, ask for what you want, and recognize what a lucky motherfucker you are.

Writer’s Demographics:
Male, Gay.