Rules of Fair Fighting
I can’t believe that in all my years of having this blog, I’ve never published on the rules of fair fighting. Today I remedy that. What follows is a simple DO THIS — DON’T DO THAT list which a 5-year old can follow. No more excuses.
Now to be clear, these are instructions for when you find yourself in a fight or a serious conversation that’s getting you both heated.
Ideally, serious discussions are planned. They’re scheduled at a mutually convenient time when both people are prepared for the talk and the agenda is known by both parties so no one feels ambushed. When those two things happen, you no longer have the makings of a fight. What you have is the foundation for a resolution, which admittedly might get uncomfortable, but which is optimized to resolve well.
But for those real life moments where you find yourself in something that is unexpected, follow these rules to minimize the damage:
DO decide who’s going to talk first.
That person gets to go from start to finish without the other interrupting or debating them.
DON’T confuse this with a game of tennis.
You’re not meant to volley back with each thought they express. Let the talker talk from start to finish without chiming in. Actually, you will chime in, but not in the way you’d imagine. See below:
DO mirror your partner as they talk.
Do this by respectfully waiting for a natural pause in their cadence, then saying, “So what you’re saying is [insert your summary of what you heard them say here]. Is that right?” If it’s right, ask them to continue and do it again the next time they pause, repeating until they’re completely finished.
If they say you got it wrong, say, “Would you please rephrase that so I can understand?” Then, mirror that back. Mirroring is how you tell your partner that you’re listening to them and actually hearing what they’re saying. It also slows down the pace of the conversation, which will calm both your nervous systems down, helping you to de-escalate.
DON’T debate their perception of what happened.
Also don’t debate their feelings. Feelings are always valid. They are not debatable. This is a fact, which I can state because we’re not having a fight. If we were, I’d just tell you how I feel.
DO find something that the other person said that makes sense to you.
This is called validating. You don’t have to agree with them to see their point of view. Say, “It makes sense to me that you felt [insert their feelings here] because [insert why it makes sense to you].”
DON’T describe the other person when it’s your turn to talk.
Use “I” statements — not “you” statements — to discuss your feelings. When you make the mistake of characterizing the other person, it provokes defensiveness which usually results in them debating your perception, which they do because you didn’t phrase it as your perception — you phrased it as a fact — which is debatable. Avoid facts. Focus on feelings.
DO use self-control, even when you’re having a fight.
Being in a loving relationship doesn’t give you permission to be undisciplined. Keep the volume of your voice down, keep your cadence regulated (don’t speed up the pace of your words), make eye contact and be mindful of your body language (eye rolls + arms crossed = no bueno). Words only make up 7% of how an interaction goes (which begs the question, why did I spend 400+ words telling you what to say?).
DON’T bring up issues from the past. Don’t give examples of how they commit the same offense with other people in their life. Don’t mention that others agree with your perspective of what an insensitive asshole they are.
DO limit the discussion to a very narrow subject.
The tighter the agenda, the more likely you are to have a productive outcome. Have a list a mile long of stuff you’re dying to get off your chest? Pay a shrink. It’s not your partner’s problem that you don’t speak up often enough. This conversation is only about the one thing you started with.
DON’T shut down.
If you feel yourself shutting down and it feels beyond your control, tell them that you need to hit pause for now but reassure them that you’ll continue the conversation within 24-hours. Doing this will let them know that you’re not blowing them off, making it easier for them to agree to hit pause.
If shutting down is your style of fighting, that is called stonewalling and it’s a really bad thing to do. Relationship researcher John Gottman calls it one of the 4 most toxic relationship responses. You weren’t born acting that way. You learned it. So unlearn it.
Start small by making sure you maintain eye contact, you face the person, you at least nod as they’re talking (which tells them you’re plugged in), don’t cross your arms or turn away from them. Most importantly, do not leave in the middle of a disagreement without trying to get mutual agreement to hit pause.
DO commit to looking for a win-win outcome.
Which means, you try to resolve things before it’s time to part ways or go to sleep. Shutting down or storming off is a self-indulgent behavior that doesn’t take the health of the relationship into account.
When you’re in a relationship, you have to prioritize what’s in the best interest / health of the relationship. The relationship should always be in your peripheral vision, and if the relationship is serious (family, someone you hope to be with indefinitely, a very close friend), it needs to be prioritized above the needs of the two of you. That means you don’t get to be selfish in the moment no matter how you feel. You keep your long-term goal in mind at all times — and especially during a fight, as your goal will inform how you behave.
DON’T blame.
Most people who blame are the ones at fault. If it’s your default reaction, you’ve got some work to do on yourself. You’re not perfect. We all make mistakes. Usually unintentionally.
We hurt each other’s feelings without meaning to. When this happens, it’s imperative to repair. That means making up. Knowing how to repair is among the most important relationship skills to learn. So get on it.
DO apologize as often as possible.
Which doesn’t mean I want you to say, “You’re right, I’m a bitch!” It means you say, “I’m sorry you’re hurt. I love you.”
If you’ve got trouble apologizing — if you don’t think you make mistakes in just about every disagreement — you’re painfully mistaken, at best naive, and at worst you’ve got a very fragile ego.
Apologizing costs you nothing. Finding your missteps in a disagreement gives you power. If everything’s someone else’s fault, you’re a victim. And you’re also delusional. If you don’t believe me, feel free to video your next fight (with consent) and I’ll give you notes to bring to the therapist you’re in dire need of.
DON’T initiate or engage in a disagreement when either of you has consumed any alcohol or drugs. If you’re unsure whether your partner has imbibed, wait for another day, because asking will probably get you in trouble if there’s already friction. Also, nighttime is usually not the right time because people are tired and not at their best.
Here are more DON’Ts during fights:
DON’T
- Don’t curse.
- Don’t call names.
- Don’t fight in front of other people. Especially children. No matter their age.
- Don’t multitask during a fight. Put your phone down, mute the tv, turn away from the computer.
- Don’t bring things up that have no chance of resolving in the amount of time you have. Want to fight over who should have taken the garbage out? Have at it. Save your frustration over your relationship status for a planned conversation.