You’re punished: But run a quick errand for me.

Dear Dr. Darcy:

My daughter was recently caught lying to us and as a result, we took her phone away for a month. The problem is that she’s of driving age and continues to use her car to go to and from school but since she has no phone, we never know where she is. My husband thinks it was a mistake not to take her car away, but frankly I find her ability to get to and from school on her own (and help with her siblings’ carpooling) a great help. The idea of taking her car away feels like a punishment to me – and I’m not the one who lies!

ANSWER

Parenting can suck, and unfortunately this is going to be one of those times when it becomes super high-maintenance. And yes, sometimes it feels as though the parent is being punished right alongside the child.

You’ve made 2 mistakes: First, you took her phone away for too long. The punishment needs to fit the crime. A lie should result in loss of the phone for a weekend or a week at most. What are you going to do when you catch her smoking pot? Put her in lockdown for 2 months? That’s unreasonable, and so you want to design punishments so that you have room to increase the intensity of the punishment if the crime worsens.

The second mistake you made is by taking the phone away and allowing her to have the car.  We don’t live in the same world that you and I grew up in. Phone booths are becoming a thing of the past, so if for no other reason than to keep her safe & in contact with you, she can’t drive without a phone.  And I do agree with your husband: I would have preferred her losing her car privileges for a weekend than being able to drive herself anywhere she wants – without a phone. You set it up so that she has more freedom because there’s no accountability without the phone.

What’s done is done. Ride out the end of the punishment as-is, but make it your business to check the odometer before and after every trip as that is your only assurance that she’s going where she’s supposed to. And remember what I said the next time she stumbles: Keep the punishment short so you have room to build.

Writer’s stats: Female, Straight.