Who’s The Homo?

Dear Dr. Darcy:

I’m a 20 y/o open bisexual dating a 24 y/o closeted lesbian. She led me to believe she had intentions of coming out when we started dating. A few weeks into dating, she said she had no intentions of ever coming out … ever. Her best friend has no idea nor does her family, and none of our mutual friends know. It’s only been a few months and already things have been on and off for us. Every time we argue, she thinks she’s not good enough and breaks things off, but then tries to get me back by stepping out of the closet. Now, several, if not all our mutual friends know about our relationship. But I feel like she’s growing to resent me and doing things just to get me back, without really being ready for it. She’ll come out to people, they’ll be super supportive of her, and then she never wants to see them again because she’s uncomfortable. Right now, we’re currently off again and she’s fighting to get back together with me. I don’t want to let her go, but I’m emotionally exhausted and don’t think a cyclical relationship like this will work.

ANSWER

You, my bisexual friend, need to have a very honest conversation with yourself and analyze what she specifically said to lead you into thinking she would come out… I think you missed the mark on that one. I think you heard what you wanted to hear and the story you spin is contingent on the point you’re trying to make. Even in your question, you contradict yourself in explaining whether your mutual friends know about your relationship.

If you’ve been following my blog, which you clearly haven’t, you’d know my position on dating closeted people: They belong with other closeted people. A closeted partner does not work with a partner who is out.  The difference between being out and closeted sets you at two different developmental phases and therefore you are incompatible.

The specifics of your story put a unique slant on this very common issue because it’s typically the bisexual who is ambivalent about coming out ~ not the identified gay person.  It calls many things into question. But it’s not my job to analyze her and whether she’ll ultimately identify as gay. It’s my job to give you sound advice, which by the end of your question you came to yourself: This relationship is a mess. Cut your losses. Let her come out in her own time and find yourself someone who is more comfortable in her own skin and can embrace who she truly is.  And start following my blog, 20-something, to avoid a million other rookie relationship mistakes.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Bisexual.