When Seeking Revenge Bring Two Shovels

Dear Dr. Darcy:

I’ve HAD IT with the way women treat me! Lesbians are CRAZY. I recently moved to a new city to get a ‘fresh start’ because my ex and I had had such a terrible breakup so I wanted to get away.  Anyway, the same bullshit started happening to me here in my new city. I became friends with one of the biggest party promoters and made the mistake of hooking up with her, which really upset her live-in girlfriend, and I was literally ex-communicated from the entire lesbian community!!

I’ve been stopped from entering clubs, I’ve been unfriended by dozens of my new friends, and I’m really starting to get pissed off. I wasn’t the one who initiated the whole thing! She was as responsible (if not more) than I was! This is so unfair – it’s like she’s getting away with it all and I’m the only one held responsible.  I’m so mad that I’ve decided to make public the emails that my ex-friend (the party promoter) sent me before we hooked up, where she talked about how hot I am and how the passion is completely gone from her relationship. And she also talked shit about a bunch of other high-powered women in the community. I’m letting it all rip. I’m done taking the high ground. Watch out world: I’m pissed off!

ANSWER

Take a deep breath, girlfriend, and blow out some self-righteousness. You are no victim here.  And as long as you choose to see yourself as one, you’ll be tempted to engage in revenge, which ultimately will hurt you more than anyone else. More on that later.

You are failing to see your part in this mess. First of all, you changed geography to create a new life for yourself, which never works because you wind up taking yourself with you to the new location – and all along you’ve been the problem.  Your failure to take responsibility for your problems has enabled you to believe that the problem is an external one, which is incorrect.

You moved to a new city and started doing the same bullshit here that you did in your last city. I’m betting this isn’t the first time you slept with someone who was in a relationship. The fact that she also did something wrong does not absolve you of your responsibility.  Stop looking outward. It won’t help you to grow.  Look in the mirror and see what you did to help create this mess.

I am so sick of hearing women in our community tell me how crazy lesbians are. You attract your mirror image in everyone you date and sleep with. If you are attracting crazies, it’s because you’re not the poster child for mental health. Work on yourself and you’ll attract healthier people.

In closing, I’ll tell you that if you engage in revenge, it will bite you in the ass. It will create SO MUCH drama in your life that you’ll be preoccupied by this nonsense for months to come. But perhaps you’re one of those who would rather have negative attention than none at all.  If so, there’s nothing I can do in this post to help you beyond suggesting that you find yourself a shrink who is trained in DBT therapy.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Lesbian.