What’s A Guy To Do?
Dear Dr. Darcy:
I have been with my wife for 5 years and the sex is mundane to put it mildly. In an effort to spice things up, I’ve asked her if we can invite a 3rd person into the bedroom for just one time. I don’t care if it’s a man (though he won’t be touching me) or a woman (she’ll set the parameters around what the woman can / can’t do). Long story short, she hasn’t spoken to me since I brought it up which was over a week ago. I’m sure you’re going to kick my ass, so consider me bent over and waiting.
ANSWER
First of all, there’s nothing rewarding about kicking someone’s ass who predicted it. Second of all, I’m finding the visual of you bending over distracting, and not in a good way. How about if you let me do my job without the commentary, Mr.?
I don’t have a problem with what you’ve described. In fact, I like that you’re looking to improve your sex life within the context of your marriage as opposed to straying outside the marriage for a quick fix. Your wife, however, appears to be less open-minded than I am.
Marriages are intended to last a lifetime. Over the course of a lifetime, it makes sense that one or both partners might feel less than satisfied. I believe that the single most important element in a relationship is having the safety and permission to express one’s desires, no matter what they are. That’s not to imply that the other partner is obliged to accommodate any or all requests, but hearing those requests and demonstrating a modicum of maturity is an expectation of mine. In short, I’m less than thrilled with your wife’s reaction.
The problem is that you don’t even know why she’s not speaking to you. It could be the request itself or it could be the way in which you couched the request. Her 3rd grade response has simply left you in the dark. So you need to ask for some clarity. Then you need to validate her feelings, whether you agree with them or not. All feelings are valid, and if you can do this, you’ll see her deescalate and you might get to the heart of her hurt. Because when a woman stops talking to you, it’s invariably a response to being hurt. Now go make up.