Twink Gone Rogue

Dear Dr. Darcy:

My boyfriend and I are very passionate. We love with passion and we fight with passion. Yesterday a fight became physical and he threw a glass at me. I wasn’t particularly concerned because I’m the top and significantly bigger than he is and I ducked and it hit the wall, but when I was telling a friend about this, she expressed concern.  Do you see a problem with this?

ANSWER

Yes, I see a significant problem with it. You need to learn how to resolve conflict appropriately, which does not include hurling dishware into walls.  Your boyfriend needs to learn how to manage his emotional response when he’s triggered. And you need to learn how to be less provocative.

Here’s the thing: He’s going to get pissed off. The world isn’t going to run exactly to his specifications. And when things interfere with his plans, he needs to be able to tolerate his frustration, learn how to deescalate himself and not lash out. Similarly, you need to know when to stop pushing a point or an issue, which will involve managing your emotions and walking away when you see him reaching his threshold. And you’re going to have to learn how to tolerate your own discomfort.

I can tell you conceptually what needs to change in your relationship, but in order to individualize my feedback to meet your needs, you’re going to have to get in front of a couple’s therapist. I recommend an Imago therapist (linked to here). In the meantime, hear me loud and clear: I don’t care how big and tough you are. It is not even remotely OK for your twink to respond to his anger by throwing a temper tantrum.  Please send him this post.

Writer’s Stats: Male, Gay.