‘Theraphobe’ Returns

Hi again, Dr. D! It’s me “Theraphobe.” So, some new revelations have come into my life and what I once believed to be true is no longer reality.

I had initially been floored when my wife came to me one night suddenly in tears and said she is going to therapy that next week due to our sexless marriage… Then, I noticed that she seemed to have a lot of sadness and regret in her eyes when she looked at me, but every day she would log on to the computer or check her phone and glow with happiness. Where did that come from I wondered?.. My friend inquired if my wife would cheat.

I thought, or rather, I obsessed about this for a while. I rationalized that I would already forgive her if she slept with someone or was wanting to because my inability to go to therapy caused this…  I decided that I could easily put this worry to rest and move on to focus on bringing sexy back by checking her email on her phone. Trust and loyalty are extremely important to me, yet I ditched them in my madness. And I regret this for countless reasons.

My fears were confirmed, but not in the way I thought. My wife was not having a physical affair but was having what looked like a flagrant emotional affair with a male friend of hers. I feel shitty and rotten that I of all people stooped so low, but I did. [He is] someone who has been in love with her for years apparently and he has told her shamelessly over and over. [He is] someone who was at our wedding and we eloped so there were only four guests. And did I mention I love, respect, and admire this man?

… I politely confessed my grave breach of trust and asked about this male friend… She told me…that this is just a symptom and not a cause. She didn’t want me to fixate on it because it has nothing to do with him…

I told her I understood and agree that it’s a symptom. I thought we were working on saving us, so I asked her to cease communication with him for a while. She promised she would. I emailed him and scared the living hell out of him by confronting him politely (believe it or not). I requested that he give us space to work on us as long as we are defined as a married couple and to keep his romance to himself for now. He agreed and apologized.

…It turns out my wife wasn’t able to cease contact for more than a week before I saw she started calling him. [I learned this because] I went to pay our unusually large phone bill and saw the international calls…I’ve also now checked my wife’s email again after I noticed the call and even read her journal. (Yes, I super suck now and wish I could take it all back.)…

[My wife] seems to be in love with us both and wants me to stick around for her decision. The two lovebirds are still actively in touch. We’ve decided on a separation, but she insists it’s not over him. Her journal says the opposite. She tells me things to my face, which contradict things she tells everyone else.

Honestly, I don’t know what to do… I feel an emotional affair is worse because we have SEX problems. She admits she has loved me more than anything and has truly been happy with me, but she wants SEX. Please explain all of this…

Stupid Me

ANSWER

Congrats, Theraphobe.  You now qualify as the longest question ever submitted/answered on my blog, despite my editing at least 50% of your question.

OK, you, Theraphobe, are a hot mess.  First of all, I’m going to tell you that since you are now in therapy (congrats twice here), this is the last time I’m going to answer a question from you.  You need to channel all of your therapeutic needs to your shrink and not request advice from potentially conflicting sources.   I also want you to confess this question (in fact, forward it) to your shrink.

Your wife has fallen into a dark hole and unnecessarily complicated your relationship.  Given that she’s proven herself incapable of maintaining her distance from Mr. Douche, you need to reestablish the rules of this separation, unless, of course, you have some desire to be a victim/martyr in this story.  You should immediately express to the wife that you are both free to be and do whomever you choose.  No more waiting for her to make a decision.  That’s horseshit.  It’s too much pressure on her and too little responsibility on you.

Confess to the wife that you’ve continued reading her emails/journal, etc. (so that she has an opportunity to change passcodes) and stop reading her shit.  Focus on YOU, Theraphobe, and stop focusing on the wife.  If you were my client, I’d up your sessions to either 2 or 3 times a week until you’re able to control the urge snoop.  You need someone to help you contain yourself.  Keep yourself as busy as humanly possible so that your thoughts don’t go in the nutty direction, work out to full exhaustion at least 3 times a week, and for fuck’s sake, call your shrink.