Texts From An Ex

Dear Dr. Darcy,

I went through my boyfriend’s phone (and I know I shouldn’t have). I found texts from his ex as well as half nude photos of her sent recently. He swore they were just friends when I last asked him.  So if this is so why the hell does he have texts from before Christmas and photos????? What do I do???  Help!

ANSWER

Nude photos?  Nothing platonic about that, regardless of which half of her was nude.  It doesn’t matter how solid his resolve is to be faithful to you, the fact that he accepts nude pics and keeps them makes his communications w/ her (as well as his boundaries) problematic.

Look, you know I’m going to rake you over the coals for checking his phone.  Here’s the thing:  If you need to check your partner’s phone, then your relationship has some big problems.  Checking his phone just feeds into the craziness of the moment; it doesn’t solve the bigger issues like why do you need to check his phone in the first place? It’s either a problem with your insecurity, a problem with his behaviors, or (most commonly) a mixture of the two.  Do you have a history of checking boyfriend’s phones? If so, a big part of the problem is your own.

Effective immediately, no more checking phones, got it?  That goes for email as well.  I would give you a contingency plan for dealing with any potential ‘urge’ to check in the future, but, at least as far as this guy goes, it won’t be necessary.

Now for him:  I’m sorry but it’s over.  You have to kick him to the curb, no question.  If you don’t, he’ll do it again and again, regardless of what he promises you, and you’ll sign up for nothing but distasteful, tedious, never-ending fights.  You’ll be that couple who makes the rest of us feel like we have perfect relationships.  So spare yourself of unnecessary relationship drama, do what you have to do, and then distract yourself with some retail therapy to dull the pain.