Sugar Daddy

Dear Dr. Darcy:

I am a 35-year old gay man living with my 22-year old boyfriend.  I have a good job in finance and he is an aspiring designer.  When he moved in 6 months ago, the plan was that he’d have 3 months rent-free and he’d use that time to find a job or at least a paid internship.  We are now at month 6 and he still has no job or prospects. But what’s worse is that I don’t believe he is even looking.  He spends his days lounging around my Chelsea loft or having lunch with friends.  I do make enough for us both to live on but that was not the arrangement and I’m beginning to feel taken advantage of. Am I living with a moocher?

ANSWER

The question isn’t whether or not he’s a moocher.  The question is whether or not you want to be a sugar daddy.  Your guy is certainly a moocher in his relationship with you.  The thing is, you’re teaching him to be a moocher.  He wouldn’t be a moocher if he was dating my friend J.  J would never tolerate what you’re putting up with, so he’d either be an equal partner or he’d be single.   Still, I get how difficult it can be to discuss finances, particularly in relationships.  So you have a choice:  Either make peace with the idea that you’re his sugar daddy or grab your balls and have an adult conversation about it.

If you were to choose the latter, let him know that you feel uncomfortable about the living situation because this is not what you agreed to.  Tell him that if he wants to continue living with you, he must get a job, any kind of job, immediately, and then switch some utility bills into his name so that he has direct responsibility for contributing to the expenses.  If the princess is unwilling to flip burgers or do whatever else is necessary to make some money, he needs to move out by the 1st of the next month.  It’s that simple.

For me, the biggest issue is not the amount that he contributes, rather, that he can be trusted to follow through with what he says he’ll do.  His current behaviors don’t inspire much confidence. You deserve to be with someone who is honorable and I think you know that.

Writer’s Stats: Male, Gay.