Stone Butch?

I’ve found your website browsing through the net… I’m from Brazil, btw, sorry for the English mistakes.  Me and my girlfriend met online and we lived in different states for two years. We used to miss each other a lot… and when we got to see each other, fire would burn from the sheets. [However,] she is so [self-]conscious about me touching her, [because] she is so butch. Well the problem is we have been married for three years now and sex never satisfies me enough. I hardly get to touch her, like once in a month. She makes love to me more often, but I always end up feeling a little empty… because I miss touching her, giving her pleasure.

I don’t know what to do, since I love her, but I don’t feel sexually fulfilled.

ANSWER

Like in any community or subgroup, there is a wide spectrum of expression for women who identify as butch.   With that said, it is not uncommon for some butch women to prefer not to be directly touched during sex.  In America, we refer to women like this as Stone Butches.

There are many reasons why Stone Butches don’t like being touched.  Some do not experience pleasure from their female body parts and see no need to be touched if that touch isn’t pleasurable (this is not an experience exclusive to the lesbian community, as many women, regardless of sexual orientation, do not experience pleasure through breast or vaginal stimulation).  Other Stone Butches prefer to be givers during sex and associate ‘receiving’ with being a bottom/a femme.  Regardless of the reason why, it’s pretty important for partners of Stone Butches to accept their partner’s sexual preference because it’s very unlikely to change.

I’m sure you were having sex with your wife before she was your wife.  And I’m equally certain that she made her sexual preferences clear to you during that time.  And like many people, I’m guessing you were hoping that she’d change over time/with marriage.  It’s a hard lesson to learn but an important fact of life:  The person we marry is the same person we dated – vows don’t change people.

So what’s a femme to do?  Find yourself a good LGBT couple’s counselor.  Many therapists work via Skype, so location and geography are no longer roadblocks to getting the help you need.  As always, email me if you need some names.

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