Stalemate

Hi Dr Darcy.

I’m a 28-year old trans woman and I’ve not dated in a while, like 5 years or so. I decided not to date while transitioning because I was under the impression that [staying off the market] was a good idea. So I kind of went from a straight guy to a lesbian with not much in the middle as far as learning how to date as a woman.  Now I’m done with my transition and I’ve started online dating because that seems like what most people do; and I’ve got no idea what I’m doing.  I feel like I’m back in the guy’s role again which I hated and I really don’t know how to date. I’m usually kind of laid back but this is starting to bother me and I really don’t know what I should/could do to make it better.  Any advice would be great.

ANSWER

Welcome to the land of Lesbos. Yes, it can often feel like you’re a straight guy…because we’re all women and not socialized to initiate. Consequently, we’re each waiting for the other to move things along, and that can lead to a lesbian stalemate.

So here’s the deal: Everyone has to take a turn being the pursuer ~ at least in the beginning. Now let’s start with that profile of yours:

Approach it like it’s your job. Don’t minimize the importance and half-ass it.  Hire a professional photographer for your profile photo. Then, consult a coach on how to craft your profile (email me for names). Everyone feels awkward writing about themselves. None of us are born marketers ~ and that’s the skill you really need to make your profile stand out. Consider acknowledging in your title how uncomfortable the whole online thing can be.  Maybe that can be your distinguishing factor: “I’m willing to lie about how we met.” or, “There are few things more awkward than plugging oneself.”

Finally: I don’t know how much professional support you’ve had during your transition, but I’m telling you that you deserve support and if you haven’t gotten any yet, this is the time.  Lots of ‘stuff’ will come up as you begin to date. It’s imperative to have someone who you can process it all with. Congratulations on your transition and let me know if there’s anything else I can do.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Lesbian.