She’s Pregnant

Dear Dr. Darcy:

I’ve done something bad and now I’m not sure how to fix it. I divorced my husband 4 years ago when I was 33 and a year later I started dating my boyfriend. We’ve been together for 2 years now and the entire time he thought I was on the pill but I wasn’t and now I’m pregnant.

Before you go crazy on me, let me tell you I’m 40 years old and it took me almost 2 years to get pregnant. I have no regrets about what I did…I’ve always wanted a child and time was ticking away so I had to make a move. I’m just not sure what to do about it moving forward. I know my boyfriend doesn’t want children and I’m sure when I tell him he’ll break up with me.  But the question is, should I just break things off with him and raise the baby alone or tell him what I did and give him a chance to be in the child’s life?

ANSWER

I think what you did was deeply selfish and deceitful and I have no doubt that you’ll pay for it for years to come. I’m going to attempt to explain to you why I find it so off-putting on the outside chance that you can learn from it, though I have my doubts about your ability to integrate this information.

There’s no crime in wanting a child. With that said, women have many options for conceiving a child that don’t involve deceit. You could have honored your boyfriend’s wish not to have a child by going to a sperm bank. You could have set this child up for a lovely conception story: Mommy wanted you so badly that she went to a special doctor who helped Mommy bring you into the world. Have you ever thought about what you’ll tell this child about his birth father? Have you pondered how the version of the story will affect him for the rest of his life?  And what about the poor guy who was swindled into impregnating you against his will?  What was his biggest mistake? Trusting his long-term girlfriend to be honest about birth control? What if there are genetic reasons why he didn’t want to reproduce? What if he is a carrier of a chromosomal disorder or a rare disease or life-altering mental disorder? You’ve robbed this man of his choice in the matter.

At the very least, you owe this man the truth about what you did. He deserves the option to be in the child’s life – and it’s his choice, not yours. You’ve already played God enough.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Straight.