Sexless In NYC

Dear Dr. D:

I made a vow to myself a couple years ago that I wouldn’t date and/or get serious about anyone because I have nothing to really offer a long-term partner now (i.e. I don’t have any money, career stability, emotional stability, etc). I am a struggling filmmaker, working in the industry, but very focused on my ultimate goals. I was in a LTR a couple of years ago, which ended with me getting cheated on, and her finding her soulmate, which was not me. After this mess, I realized I was not happy in the traditional monogamous relationship situation in general. So, I guess the only thing I want now is causal sex/casual dating. Yet I can’t seem to find ANY causal partners. Here is my scenario now: I fall for women that are unavailable to me even in the causal sense, OR ladies just want a real relationship from me, OR I go for long periods without sex and nobody even on my dating list.

How can I change this situation? I want to meet a nice hot girl that has a decent personality to enjoy causal encounters with on regular basis, that’s it. Why is this so difficult?

Best,

Sexless in NYC

ANSWER

I completely understand that you don’t have money, but are you kidding me about having no emotional stability to offer? What does that even mean? Are you struggling with depression/anxiety or are you one temper tantrum away from being committed to a psych hospital? And you want to know why women aren’t lining up in front of your door to be fuck buddies with you?

You can change the situation by changing you. You have to work on yourself so that you have something to offer a woman other than sex, because generally speaking, we can get that from anyone. You’ve got competition, girlfriend. Everyone wants to have sex with women – men, women, married people, single people, confused people… You see where I’m going?

Here’s what I think: I think you had a LTR with a douchebag and you were deeply hurt by her and as a result, you’ve taken yourself out of the game. Get in the game, mama! The only thing that’s worse than being screwed over by an ex is allowing yourself to remain wounded by the ex because you haven’t healed from that relationship. If monogamy’s not for you, fine, create a relationship model that works for you, but you can offer more than causal sex. And as you can see, you’re going to have a hard time getting that from a woman, particularly a lesbian, because for every lesbian that wants to avoid a LTR, there are 100 lesbians ready to U-haul.

I’m worried that your self-esteem is in the shitter. You tell me you have nothing to offer a woman – no career, and yet you’re clearly working towards goals in your career. You’ve picked a challenging field and you need support in your life so that you can bridge the gap between where you are and where you want to be as a filmmaker, but you know you can do it – so why wouldn’t a woman know that too?

I want you to get into therapy. You’ve got an internal problem that’s not going to get fixed by making external changes. You were hurt by the ex-douchebag. You deserve to heal, and once you heal, you’ll get plenty of sex. Message me for names of shrinks.

PS: Thanks for naming the post. Titles are always the hardest part for me 😉

Writer’s Stats: Female, Lesbian.