Out of Bounds

Dear Dr. Darcy:

What do you do when your girlfriend’s exes keep coming out and declaring their love for her?  [My girlfriend] took a ‘break’ with me and slept with her [ex] a few times.  We got together again…  I hadn’t known about them sleeping together until we sat down and talked about the future.

I was extremely hurt, but was forgiving that she was confused and emotional and not knowing what she needed.  [She] agreed to set boundaries with the ex and for the last couple months has been very good at keeping them even in the face of the ex continuing the texts, emails, phone calls wanting her back.  NOW, her [ex] contacted her after a few months and they talked for a few hours on the phone. The next day, her ex broke up with her girlfriend and is saying she wants to move to our town.   They haven’t seen each other in 5 years, but when they did, [my girlfriend] cheated with her while in a relationship.  [My girlfriend] has cheated on most of her girlfriends.  She is in therapy and working on herself, but I don’t know if I should be sticking around just to be told we are taking a ‘break’ once her old girlfriend moves to town.

ANSWER

Your issue is not the ex girlfriend.  It’s the girlfriend.

Your girlfriend is playing a very manipulative game.  She talks about setting boundaries, she appears to be on the receiving end of her ex’s attention rather than provoking the attention, and she’s in therapy.   She does just enough to appear to be working on herself, but make no mistake:  The only thing she’s working is you.  And she could only work you with your permission, which you seem to give without hesitation.

She had sex with her ex while you guys were on a break, which I suppose is alright, provided you understood that sleeping with other people was within the terms of that break.  That said, there is a very narrow window of full disclosure upon getting back together, and she did not fully disclose, which makes her a liar.

Why would you agree to be in a relationship with someone who, to your credit, you don’t trust and who continues to communicate with her ex, who she fucked while you guys were on a break?  Sure, lesbians are notorious for being BFF’s with exes, but there are certain rules of engagement that exes need to abide by ~ and your girlfriend has not played by those rules.

Are you waiting for the ex to pull in front of your home with her U-haul?  Because that’s the next chapter to this train wreak.  Listen, I’m all for sticking things out to the bitter end, but when it’s clear that you’re on the Titanic, no one would blame you for jumping ship.