Not Your Girlfriend

Hi Dr. Darcy,

This [girl] and I had been friends for a few months (she is 28, I’m 23-both female) and she broke up with her girlfriend who she wasn’t into. We hung out as friends two weeks ago, until we ended up kissing and we’ve been acting like a couple, including sex, ever since. She buys me dinner, breakfast, tells me to have a great day each day, etc. She seems to really care about me and she tells me so and I do the same to her, but she said no when I asked her to be my girlfriend. She wouldn’t give me a straight answer other than [to say] she just keeps hurting people. She also flirts with this other really pretty girl who likes to hit on her. They make out and flirt hardcore and it hurts me something fierce, but I am not in the place to say anything since I’m not officially her girlfriend. She claims it means nothing with this other girl…

I have been telling myself I have to move on. I figure I’m gonna fall for her more and more [over time]. However, I had a rough day today because of family trouble at home… she brought me pizza and a teddy bear when she was on her way to a friend’s birthday dinner in the area.

How can I move on, if that’s what I need to do, when she brings me a teddy bear and does these sweet things? She even kissed me and acted as if she never said no to me asking her to be my girlfriend. She just continues to tell me she’s lucky that she has me, yet she continues to say no to me because I’ve asked her more than once. Thoughts? You’re the pro. Thank you, Dr. Darcy.

ANSWER

You do not need NYG’s (Not-Your-Girlfriend’s) permission to move on. It’s not her responsibility to protect you from the way she’s treating you – it’s yours.

I feel like if you were straight, the solution would be much more obvious.  Let me tell you the story coming from that perspective:  This girl has a crush on her guy friend  who she recently started having sex with. They hang out a lot, he takes her out, but when she asked him to be her boyfriend, he said No. Wouldn’t the solution to that be clear as day?

You need to stop hooking up with and hanging out with NYG.  It’s that simple. You and only you can safeguard yourself from being used. NYG should be commended for her honesty. She’s not misleading you.  And for that you should be grateful.

So what will you do with this information? My guess is that you’ll start by telling her that you’re not hooking up with her anymore, but you’ll continue to hang out with her despite my directive not to. And of course you’ll begin having sex again because the temptation to fuck will be heightened because I told you not to.  So I’ll look forward to getting a follow-up question from you if you choose to follow your own version of my advice. If, however, you are serious about wanting to move on, do it now while you have some self-respect. Don’t wait until you’ve turned yourself into a doormat. When and if that happens, you’ll have only yourself to blame.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Lesbian.