Not So Kinky

Dear Dr. Darcy:

My girlfriend is very kinky.  She always wants to dominate me and use toys but I prefer old-fashioned romance.  The differences between us are becoming harder to navigate.  I find myself avoiding sex altogether because she seems only interested in strap-ons.  I became a lesbian because I don’t like penetration – of any sort.  I don’t understand why this isn’t obvious to her.  I’m beginning to think that if we don’t go to couples counseling we’re not going to make it – which is daunting given that we live together.  Is there any hope for two very different lesbians?

ANSWER

OMG, it’s music to my ears.  Not the couple’s counseling part but the dominating part. Kidding.  Trying to insert some levitivity here.

Girlfriend, for someone who claims not to like power imbalances, you’ve sure thrown yourself into one.  You’re not even remotely attuned to what your woman wants in bed.  And neither is she, for that matter.  And that’s how I know it’s a good old power struggle.

There’s nothing obvious or universal about a lesbian not wanting to be penetrated.  I think you’re hoping that you won’t have to communicate your needs to her and she’s doing a poor job of reading your mind.  As soon as you come to terms with this, you might try saying, “Baby, I don’t like anything getting between us in bed.  Can I have more of you and less of the strap on?”

Somehow the sex worked in the beginning of the relationship, otherwise you wouldn’t have made it to the second date and be living together. Stop focusing on what you want and instead give her what she wants.  If you do enough of that, she’ll begin giving you what you want.  It’s really that simple.  Give, and you shall receive.  Stomp your foot and draw a line in the sand and you’ll become another sexless statistic with LBD.

Writer’s Stats: Female, lesbian