My Friend’s Husband Is Having An Affair

Dear Dr. Darcy:

I’ve had a friend for about 5 years. We’re not best friends but we have coffee at least once a week, we speak on the phone almost every day and we help each other out with caring for our children. I consider her a very good friend and a confidant. My problem is that I recently learned that her husband is having an affair with another woman. He’s not only having an affair, he’s living a double life. The other woman is in a long-term relationship with him and has a small child that looks just like him.

Should I tell my friend that her husband is having an affair? I’m from the Midwest and I’ve been raised to mind my own business. I just can’t imagine having coffee with her this week knowing what I know. Please help a straight girl out!

ANSWER

I’m shaking my head as I think this through… You sort of can’t win, because chances are, they’ll reconcile just long enough to blame you for all their troubles. And if by some chance you don’t get blamed, you’ll be the person who knows the truth about what a douchebag her husband is, and she won’t be able to stay with him and keep the illusion of self-worth in your presence. On the other hand, if she finds out that you knew and didn’t tell her, that’ll be the end of your friendship for sure. I’m telling you – there’s no easy answer here.

OK, so let’s decide that the friendship is doomed, because the more I think about it, the more I think it is… That sort of frees you up to make the right decision as opposed to the decision that will keep the friendship in tact. And of course, the right decision is to tell your girlfriend everything you know in the most compassionate way you can.

After you’ve told her, don’t impose the topic on her again. It’s out of your hands. If there’s any chance of you two remaining friends, the topic of her marriage has to be respected and discussed on her terms. So sleep well, knowing that you’re doing the most selfless act a friend can do. She’s lucky to have you, and she just might realize that too.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Straight.