Managing Your Teen’s Relationship

Dear Dr. Darcy:

My daughter is 16 and she’s been dating the same boy for almost 2 years.  He lives a few streets away and I’ve known his parents since he was a baby.  Last year his parents got divorced (the rumor is because the husband was abusive) and in the last several months the boy seems to have developed a temper.  Sometimes I hear him screaming at my daughter while she’s on the phone with him. The phone is up to her ear but he’s yelling so loudly that I can hear.  I’ve also heard him yell when the two of them are in the basement alone watching TV.  My daughter always seems to be a heartbeat away from tears, and that’s just not her personality.

My husband and I are becoming concerned that her relationship isn’t very healthy anymore and we’re just beside ourselves over how to handle this. My husband is inclined to ban him from our home and forbid the relationship.  Would that be effective?

ANSWER

This is a great question and the way you handle this situation is very important.  Not surprisingly, my advice is going to be a little unorthodox, but stay with me and maybe you’ll find something useful.

Sure, you could ban the boy from your home and tell your daughter that she isn’t to date him anymore, but let me ask you a question:  Do you remember being a teenager?  If your parents had forbidden you from seeing a boy or a friend, would you have listened?  Methinks not.  I certainly wouldn’t have.

I want to challenge you to step away from your fear and tap into your compassion – compassion for the boyfriend.  His family has just been reorganized.  Some might say it was ripped apart.  Doesn’t it make sense that he’d have some anger?

Your husband and you are in the unique position to provide him with some deeply-needed nurturing, and you can accomplish this just by being present, engaging him in discussions, keeping your home open to him and making him a part of the family.  Look for opportunities to connect with him.  Try and remember him as a boy who needs your support and not a monster who yells at your daughter.

At the same time, keep the lines of communication open with your daughter.  If you hear him yelling at her, ask her (a couple of hours later) how she’s doing.  Let her know that he sounded upset on the phone and invite her to talk about it.  Avoid the temptation to give advice.  Just listen and validate her feelings.  Let her know that she can come to you without fear of judgment.

The bottom line is this:  If you forbid the relationship, she’s still going to see him.  She’s 16 and that’s what adolescents do – they rebel.  You don’t want her hanging out with him in someone else’s home; you want them to hang out in your home where he’s more inclined to keep his temper in check.   Make your home a place where he’s welcome and where you maintain a modicum of control over how they interact.  And don’t be afraid to invite them upstairs with your husband and you.  Rent some movies that you think they’ll like – have a pizza night once a week.  If the boyfriend is into sports, maybe your husband can get tickets to a pro game and the two of them can have a day out together.

Unfortunately you can’t choose who your daughter dates.  But you can choose how you parent her.  I opt for making your home a place where she feels welcome.