It’s Complicated

Dear Dr. Darcy:

I just met an amazing woman! She’s gorgeous, has a career, knows what she wants in life… I’d really love to date her. The chemistry between us is off the charts. But of course there has to be a ‘thing.’

The morning after we met, she informed me that she’s married but that she’s permitted to date women.  I don’t know anything about open marriages. Her husband definitely knows she hooks up with women because he picked her up from my apartment that morning (we met!), right after she told me the story. So what are the rules? Should I go for it?

ANSWER

Before you go for it, make sure you know what you’re signing up for.

For starters, this woman isn’t in an open marriage. Her husband doesn’t date other people – and she doesn’t date ‘people,’ rather, her husband allows her to date women. What you’re dealing with is a poly-amorous woman who is married to a man.  So what exactly does that mean?

It means you’re never going to be number one in her life ~ her husband holds that place. It means that she’s going to be managing another relationship the entire time she’s dating you which will make her less available to you both physically and emotionally. This can be an ideal situation for some people, particularly those who are commitment phobes or who are emotionally constipated and have only a shred of intimacy to offer someone. After all, she’s got another person who will be contributing to her needs, presumably rendering her less needy of you.

Ask yourself what you’re looking for in a woman. If you want a long-term relationship, this situation is certainly going to come with a unique set of challenges. If, however, you’re looking for Ms. Right Now vs. Mrs. Right, this could be just what you’re looking for.

Writer’s stats: Female, Lesbian.