I’m Sorry, But…

Welcome to Format Free Friday, when I break the format of answering your questions and I dispense that which we rarely welcome in life: Unsolicited Advice.

Think back to the last time someone apologized to you. Did they stop after the apology, or did they launch into an explanation about why they did or didn’t do whatever they did or didn’t do? I’m betting their apology came with a story, and today I’m going to tell you why you needn’t ever add anything to the words I’m sorry.

First let me back up and say that the inclination to offer an explanation is rooted in selfishness. We explain because we don’t want the recipient of our apology to think we’re an asshole. We want them to hear our perspective so they understand the circumstances under which we committed the offense. By explaining, we hope we will be seen with more compassion ~ that our offender will understand that while under normal circumstances our behavior would be wrong, given these circumstances they make sense. In essence, we’re justifying our actions.

Nothing’s worse that justifying your actions because when you do so, you do not take responsibility for them. You blame your actions on circumstances, which essentially means you’re being a pussy. And what’s worse, you add insult to injury to the person whom you’re apologizing to.

The recipient of your apology is hurt over your offense. When you add an explanation to your apology, you basically tell the person that they really aren’t entitled to their hurt feelings because they didn’t fully understand the circumstances under which you acted, and if they knew those circumstances from the beginning, their feelings would never have been hurt. It’s a selfish move intended to walk away from a situation smelling like roses, and the problem is that it leaves the recipient of your apology feeling 1) still hurt from the original offense, 2) feeling foolish by their sensitivity to the offense, 3) feeling guilty that they didn’t give you the benefit of the doubt.  Bottom line, you totally undermine the spirit of the apology. Which brings me to the final point:

If you’re prone to explaining on the heels of an apology, the spirit of the apology is tainted. So the next time you’re about to apologize, use your emotional muscles to stop after the words I’m sorry, particularly if you were about to explain why what you did wasn’t even remotely your fault. Sure, the spirit of the apology will still be off, but when you see that your ego can survive making a legitimate apology, something inside of you will begin to shift and eventually you’ll be able to apologize without strings attached.