If It’s Hysterical, It’s Historical

Welcome to Tuesday’s Tips, the one-day a week when I dispense useful, actionable and empowering tips!

Yesterday was a tough day for me. I had an exchange with a family member that threw off my entire day.  The thing is, it wasn’t even a terrible conversation. It was sort of benign. So I couldn’t help but question why I was so bothered by it, and then it hit me:  The conversation was rubbing up against one of my core childhood wounds: It triggered an old story of me being a bad kid and of me being the ‘problematic’ one in the family. Once I realized that the conversation had triggered these feelings in me, once I was aware of what was going on inside of me, I had some control over how to fix it.

Today I’m going to teach you how to recognize when you’re reacting to history as opposed to reality so that you too can have more control over how you’re feeling.

You See RED. We get angry from reality, but when we feel rage, it’s historical. It means that the current situation is triggering old feelings, but that the old feelings are about 99% responsible for how you’re feeling.

You Can’t Shake It Off. Hours after the triggering incident, you find yourself thinking about it and still feeling escalated. When that happens, you can rest assured that the incident is rubbing up against some baggage that you haven’t fully unpacked.

You KNOW It’s Personal. Generally speaking, shit is not personal. People act the way they act and it has nothing to do with us. It has to do with them. If there’s more than one way to interpret the other person’s actions (there always is) and you’re choosing to view it from the perspective of a personal attack, trust that it’s historical.

You’re Hysterical. Presuming that you are relatively sane, you should not be feeling or acting hysterical very often. By that I mean at the very most, a few times a year, and ideally not even that often. If you find yourself falling apart at the seams, crying so hard that you can’t breathe, or yelling/screaming in a way that provokes your neighbors to call the police, you’re hysterical and the reason is historical.

♥

So what should you do when you’re aware that the way you’re feeling is historical? First, be compassionate with yourself. Historical wounds really fucking hurt, so a modicum of patience and the absence of judgment will go a long way. Second, talk to yourself (kindly). Remind yourself that the asshole who cut you off really doesn’t deserve the execution that you fantasized about, rather, your feelings date back to feeling disempowered as a kid, or [insert childhood wound here].

The point is, once you truly realize that your feelings have little if anything to do with the current situation, you will deescalate.  As you deescalate, you’ll feel better. Once you feel better, choose to focus on something that makes you feel happy.  And there you have it. A rather long post, chock full of useful tips. Happy Tuesday!

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