I Have A Crush…On My Therapist

Dr. Darcy,

After I stopped seeing my therapist I realized that I had feelings for her. I didn’t feel this way while I was her patient. It was as if the patient/therapist relationship ending allowed me to acknowledge how I felt for her. I know that I do not know her at all so I can’t account for my feelings. I miss her very much but don’t know what to do with these feelings. Is there a way to get over this and move on? I’m single and feel like these feelings are preventing me from even wanting to try to date anyone. Instead, I have been fantasizing about a time down the line when perhaps we could date. I did feel like there was a mutual attraction. Help – I’m very confused!

ANSWER

I’m sure you’re very confused.  Having feelings for your therapist can be disconcerting, however, what you’re describing is fairly common, and that’s not intended to minimize your feelings ~ it’s said in the spirit of validating them.

The relationship between client and therapist is actually a breeding ground for this dynamic, and there are some very logical reasons why:  When you think about what bonds people, it’s the process of taking emotional risks, of disclosing very private information, and having the recipient respect that disclosure without judgment.   When done right, this process results in creating the foundation of an emotionally trusting relationship.  Well, as shrinks, we are trained in this process like no others.  Furthermore, unlike in a personal relationship, you are virtually guaranteed that your feelings will be validated, respected and held in complete confidence.  It’s what you’re paying for.

Payment or no payment, this process taps into our real feelings.  For some people, it mimes the process of falling in love.  Particularly in our over-tweeted, hyper-texting, multitasking society, it can be extremely rare to have a relationship with someone who provides us with their full attention for an hour at a time.  Add to that the unconditional acceptance that a therapist offers and you can see how this relationship can feel very similar to how we feel when we’re falling in love.

Where this process gets particularly complicated is when the client begins judging herself for having these feelings, often reacting with shame and guilt, and she chooses not to disclose her feelings to her therapist.  Yes, I know, you’re already out of therapy and you didn’t know that you had these feelings while you were in therapy, which only goes to show that your guilt and shame were so significant that you couldn’t even process the reality of your feelings until the relationship ended.  So now what?

Call the shrink.  That’s right.  Pick up the phone and schedule another session. I realize that you’d rather walk through fire than do what I’m suggesting, but I’m telling you that this is your road to catharsis.  When you’re in front of the shrink, disclose to her what you’ve told me.  It’s her job to help you sort out these feelings.  Do not avoid the one person who has been trained in this process and can be your tour guide out to the other side.  Let her do her job so that you’re not afraid to enter therapy in the future.  Believe it or not, you’re not the first client who has disclosed this to her, and unless she’s retiring soon, you won’t be the last.

PS:  It pains me to even contemplate this possibility, but my gut is telling me that I’m not done with your question:

In the unlikely event that your therapist expresses similar feelings or alludes to a day in the future when the two of you can become romantically involved (regardless of amount of time since you terminated therapy), contact me IMMEDIATELY and I will connect you with an ethical professional who will guide you through this process.  It is NEVER OK for a therapist to become involved with a patient or former patient, and the burden of safeguarding this boundary is 100% on the therapist, not the patient/former patient.  As therapists, we are trained to cope with our own feelings, which are called counter-transference, and it is drilled into our heads that anything short of upholding this boundary constitutes unethical and unprofessional conduct, the consequences of which include losing our license to practice.