Hopeless In California

Dr. Darcy,
I’ve been with my current girlfriend for a year and a half now.  She’s a wonderful woman whom I love dearly and plan to marry. The only issue is our sex life. We’ve never really had much of a sex life and I am the problem.  My desire for sex is just not there. I never initiate anything sexual and as the “butch” one that is a problem. My girlfriend is now angry and resentful that I haven’t done anything to fix our problem but quite honestly I don’t know how to fix it.  I am on the verge of losing her. I want to fix it but just don’t know where to start.  The times I do try and start an intimate encounter, she thinks I am just doing it to appease her and not because I want it.

I am lost and don’t know what to do to fix it. I would greatly appreciate any advice.

Regards,

Hopeless in CA

ANSWER

Hang in there – we’re going to fix this.

I’m going to give this to you honestly – and it’s not going to sound sexy or very romantic. And for those of my followers who are hopeless romantics, I’m warning you now: You’re not going to love this post.

Here’s the thing: You don’t necessarily feel like working every day, right? But somehow you manage. The same goes for working out. And once you’re doing it, I’m sure you derive some pleasure from it. We do lots of things that we’re not necessarily initially in the mood for, but we do them anyway and generally, we’re glad we did them.

Having sex – and not having sex, becomes habitual. And your problem is that you’re waiting to feel differently before you act differently – and it’s not working. You can behave your way to a good sexual relationship. Sex attracts more sex. And having sex ups our desire to have sex.

You’ve got to end the cycle of not having sex. Today. And yes, your girlfriend is going to feel like you’re initiating sex to appease her, but you’re not. And that’s not a signal to stop. That’s a signal to reassure her that you’re doing it because you want to have sex, because you love her and because the two of you deserve to have a fulfilling sex life.

Am I making myself clear? I want you to have sex today. Don’t worry about what she thinks, cancel whatever plans you have, and make love to your girlfriend. Today.

Please report back.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Lesbian.