Fertile Myrtle

Dear Dr. Darcy:

Last week I had a weird period. Before my period me and my boyfriend  had unprotected sex, a few times. My period started on the same day as last month but there were no cramps. I always have a heavy flow and cramp bad. But when my period started I didn’t even know it did…  After that I started to spot a little. At the end of my period me and my boyfriend had sex again. Then the other night I had brown discharge. That was about 2 days ago days ago now. I went to go pee and there was pink tiny blood spot on the paper. Lately I been very dizzy and my chest is in pain, along with my ribs and I’m cramping. What does this mean?

ANSWER

You know exactly what it means. These are all early symptoms of pregnancy, Fertile Myrtle. Why haven’t you taken a pregnancy test? I’ll tell you: Because you don’t want to know the truth.

Go out and get yourself a $15.00 pregnancy test at the pharmacy. When it comes up positive, contact Planned Parenthood before Mitt Romney gets elected and they lose all their funding and make an appointment for confirmation that you’re pregnant.  You’ll need to remember the date that your period started/the date it was due to start.

Moving forward, you’ll need to go on birth control, unless you want this to be a recurring issue in your life.  Hopefully this will serve as a life lesson to you.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Bi.