Don’t Ask and She Won’t Tell

Dear Dr. Darcy:

I made the mistake of asking my girlfriend what her number is [number of people she’s had sex with] and now I wish I hadn’t. She’s admitted to kissing more than 300 people and says she’s had sex with less than 200. She lost count after 100, which was roughly 6 years ago. She also pointed out to me that when she dated women she had a lot more sex than when she dated men (she went through a phase of being a lesbian). I’m actually OK if the majority of her number consists of women – not so much if it’s made up of men. The point is, I can’t seem to focus on anything else since she told me. It’s like I’m obsessed. What should I do?

ANSWER

She went through a phase of being a lesbian? Are you fucking kidding me? Newsflash: People don’t go through phases of being ‘lesbian’. The correct way of expressing that thought is, she used to date women. That’s all. Nice and simple and you exit the conversation without having offended anyone.

To clarify: You’re OK if the majority of people who she’s had sex with were women… but not if they were men. Why exactly? Does sex with women not count? I’m going to dumb this down for you and point out that this constitutes your second offensive comment.

Here’s the bottom line: If you’re dating a woman over the age of 20, chances are she’s going to have had past sexual partners. That number can increase significantly depending on a myriad of variables. And yes, when women date women, the societal stigmas that encourage women to postpone having sex dissipate and it’s much more common to hear of women sleeping with one-another sooner rather than later. If hearing the truth hurts, the quick solve is, don’t ask – and she probably won’t volunteer.

Writer’s Stats: Male, straight.