Q

Dear Dr. Darcy:

I’ve had a boyfriend for 10 months. I told him right up front that I’m a very sexual woman and needed a man who could satisfy my high sex drive. He will do anything to please me and he gives me amazing orgasms. The problem is, sometimes he doesn’t seem aroused enough or has difficulty staying hard and at times can’t orgasm while I am giving him oral or even when we are just having sex. When that happens I immediately take it as a flaw in me. We have sex every day and multiple times a day which he says is the most sex he’s ever had and he feels contributes to these occasional less than perfect sexual experiences.

He’s in his late 30’s I’m over 40 and honestly I’ve never experienced sex with someone who wasn’t rock hard every time, and I’ve always been able to make a guy cum. Is this normal and am I overreacting? He did admit that he feels somewhat nervous that he may disappoint me if he can’t perform perfectly all the time. I don’t want to ruin a great relationship based on a handful of so so sex when in general we have amazing chemistry and great sex.

A

You’ve created a situation so riddled with pressure that it would cause me to lose my hard on.

First of all, any man who has sex multiple times a day will likely exeprience a delay in reaching subsequent orgams, regardless of age. That’s why boys often jerk off an hour before they have sex – because the second orgasm takes longer to reach. And if you add age to the mix, most men will have diminishing returns on the quality of their erection the more times they have sex in a day.

Second of all, about 40% of men are affected by erectile dysfunction by age 40. And that percentage goes up 10% with each decade. So your guy is right on the precipice in his late 30’s.

But he doesn’t even have ED, which we can conclude simply by doing the math: You’ve been together 10 months, had sex a minimum of 1x daily = 300 sexual experiences. So based on 5 so-so experiences (what you call a handful), your guy’s less-than-perfect sex is happening at a rate of less than 2%, which does not meet criteria for erectile dysfunction.

I’m very worried that you’re going to give him a real sexual problem. It takes very few comments to make a man get so in his head (the one up north) that the one down south becomes unreliable. And you’ve already said enough to make that happen.

I don’t know what your sex drive is all about, but I do know that we’ve got some amazing vibrators at our disposals these days which are capable of pulling any slack created by your boyfriend and his less-than-perfect penis.

Stop scrutinizing his ability to perform. He’s better than most.

And go into therapy for that fragile self-esteem of yours. Jesus fucking christ.

Writer’s Demographics
Female
Heterosexual