Choices

Dear Dr. Darcy:

I’ve been poly for over a decade and recently I began a relationship with a woman who is not. I know what you’re going to tell me: Why would I be in a relationship w someone who doesn’t identify as I do – well we started out as fuck buddies and 3 months later, here we are.  I really think I can fall in love with this woman and right now I’m completely fulfilled, but I know that when the falling in love chemicals go away my eye is going to start to wander again and I know she’d never be open to me sleeping with another woman. Is it possible for a poly to be happy with someone who isn’t?

ANSWER

Yes, of course it is possible for someone who engages in polyamorous relationships to be in a monogamous relationship. It’s not a sexual orientation – it’s a lifestyle choice. Whether it’s possible for you remains to be seen.

I’m concerned that you’re already predicting how you’ll feel when you’re out of the honeymoon phase. It makes me think that you’re less about having a polyamorous relationship and more about having no relationship.

Here’s a newsflash: No relationship will completely fulfill you. The fact that right now, at the very beginning of a relationship, you find yourself ‘completely fulfilled’ is a nice-to-have feeling: Not a need-to-have.  If I looked to my wife to fulfill me in all the ways I need fulfillment, we’d be divorced, because no 1-person can be all things to a partner.  And I’m not talking sexually.  Sex happens to be the 1 thing you can rely on your partner for if you’re in a monogamous relationship.

I don’t think either of us are under the illusion that this relationship of yours is going to last. My suggestion, which I’m sure you won’t follow, is to sit her down and end things while there are still fond feelings. But since you won’t follow my advice, at least submit another question when the relationship implodes. My readers love it when I’m right.

Writer’s Stats: Female, lesbian.