Boy Oh Boy

Doctor Darcy, HELP! I Can’t find a man who wants a committed relationship. They all just want sex. Nothing else! Everyone’s on Grindr  [linked to here] and I’ll admit that it’s a very exciting app, but my god.  What are these boys going to do in their 50’s when they’re alone and sagging? And what am I going to do while I’m in my 30’s? Date a 60-year old? It seems that no one under 50 wants a relationship.  And please don’t tell me to try online dating!

ANSWER

OK, here’s what to do:  Keep doing the exact same things you’re doing and eventually, you’ll find Prince Charming.  Keep going to gay bars (because of course you’ll find someone looking for a relationship there), keep hanging out with the same group of friends who in turn attract predictable people…Change nothing.

You’re like a drunk who writes to me about how miserable his life has become from alcohol and closes with, ‘What should I do? Just please don’t tell me to go to an AA meeting!’ Sorry, brother, but some stereotypes are rooted in truth, like the efficacy of entering a program when you’re an alcoholic and the usefulness in trying new things when you need a big change in your life.

Go to MeetUp.org.  It’s a website where people go to find groups of people who have similar interests and who come together (offline and in person) to engage in those interests (called meetups).  If you can imagine it, a meetup exists for it, and in your city.  Start off looking for friends. Find new friends who aren’t into the gay scene.  When you surround yourself with like-minded boys, you’ll attract new types of people. Because the bottom line is that there are very beautiful, young, gay men who want committed relationships. The thing is, you’re not attracting them, which brings me to my final point.

When you start making new friends, pay attention to how you feel about them, what you think about them and where your level of enthusiasm is about them.  I say this because there is something going on in you that’s causing you to not be attracted to appropriate guys, and I have no doubt that those same thoughts, feelings and emotions will come up again for you when you start meeting men who are available for committed relationships. Remember: You can do something because it will achieve your longer-term goal even if it doesn’t give you the short-term rush you’re accustomed to. 

Writer’s Stats: Male, Gay.