A Woman’s Right To Choose

Dear Dr. Darcy:

I have been in the [LGBT] community for more than a dozen years.  I am 35 years old and I’ve dated every gender and sexual orientation there is (because I am open-minded), although I have always identified as a lesbian.   I am now at a point in my life where I don’t want to date anyone other than a woman who identifies as lesbian.  Not bi, not bi-curious.  Lesbian.  Well, I’m getting hell over it.  I’m being told that I’m discriminating, that I’m bi-phobic, and that as a [member of a] minority [population], I shouldn’t exclude women based on their attraction to men.  Dr. Darcy, you’re pretty opinionated, what do you think?  Is it wrong for me not to date bisexuals?

ANSWER

What you’re saying is that when you’ve dated bisexuals (or any other version thereof), you dated them with the hope that they would pick a team, specifically, yours.  If that’s been your deal, than I agree with your choice.  People rarely change, and to date anyone with the hope that they will change is to sign up for heartache.

Dating a bisexual is essentially rolling the dice that at some point down the road the woman who you are dating won’t need the other gender in order to be fulfilled.  In addition, the likelihood that a woman will choose a hetero-privileged lifestyle over the minority status that comes with being a lesbian is, as you can imagine, high.  This isn’t a statistical, research-confirmed opinion.  It’s mine, and it grew from hearing countless stories from bisexual women and the lesbians who dated them.

That isn’t to say that lesbians shouldn’t date bisexuals.  It depends on where you are in life and what you’re looking for.  Just know that you run the above-referenced risk, more so than dating a person who is firmly planted in an exclusive orientation (I can feel the bisexual hate mail pouring in).

You have the right to choose who you want to date.  If there are women in your life who are offended by this, fuck them.  Every boundary and opinion runs the risk of offending someone.  Undoubtedly I offend people every day.

I don’t say that there aren’t exceptions.  I was one.  But when it comes to matters of the heart, I don’t recommend looking for people to change.  As a rule, I tend to believe what people show me, the first time, as Maya Angelou suggests.

Writer’s Stats: Female, lesbian.