A Mother’s Love

Dear Dr. Darcy,

Twenty years ago, I fell in love with a woman after a long-term traditional marriage and four children. The court granted custody…of the children to my ex-husband. Suffice it to say that he alienated them from me, to the point [where] they refused my gifts, phone calls, and visits. Eventually they severed ties completely.  It has taken nearly all this time but I’ve managed to reconcile with my three girls.

My son, the youngest, is a different story. We’ve progressed to the point where he has called me about 3 times in 5 years. The past two years he texted me on my birthday and Christmas. This past mother’s day he didn’t call, text or send me a card. When he became engaged 18 months ago I thought his fiancée or her family would reach out to me, but that wasn’t the case. So I invited the fiancée’s mother to lunch to discuss my willingness to help out financially with the wedding and in every other way. She was pleasant enough but has never followed up. I have reached out to the bride and to my son several times.  There has been nothing but silence from them, although the bride posts frequent wedding updates on Facebook. It hurts every time she mentions that she’s taken a family member to view the venue, go dress shopping or otherwise involves them in her plans. Most recently, I found out that my partner of 19 years isn’t invited to the wedding.

I am reluctant to reach out to my son to discuss it, as I’m afraid the rift between us will become permanent. My partner insists that I go to the wedding, even if it’s by myself, and says if I don’t, I will regret it all of my life.

I will always love my son, but I am terribly hurt and I don’t know what to do to fix it. I am even wondering if I should just give up, sparing myself more pain, and just be happy with the relationships I have with my daughters. Any advice you can give me would be very much appreciated.

Thank you!

ANSWER

You’re feeling rejected by your son so it’s not surprising to me that you’re contemplating giving up. With that said, I do not think giving up will serve you, your son or your other children in the long run. But we have to move the two of you out of the cold war that you’re in, and that requires forgiveness on your son’s part.

Your son will only forgive you when you show him that you COMPELTELY understand what you did to him 20 years ago by leaving him.  Now before you launch into your story about how it was his father you left, not him, and how you tried to maintain the relationship but his father turned all the kids against you, and all the other VERY VALID facts that you’ve probably told all your children many times, I want you to listen to me so that I can help you…

Your son will only forgive you when you can show him that you COMPLETELY understand what you did to him 20 years ago when you left him.

The only way to demonstrate that you understand the depth of his pain is to allow him to tell you, in the greatest detail that he is capable of, how horrible the experience was for him – WITHOUT EXPLAINING OR DEFENDING YOURSELF.  Listen to his story with an open mind and an open heart. Listen to it the way I would if he were telling it to me. I would be absent of judgment, I’d be compassionate, and I’d want him to know that I heard what he was saying. I would demonstrate that I heard him by paraphrasing what I heard him say and I would do this every few minutes throughout his rendition.

You will need the strongest emotional muscles you can fathom in order not to defend yourself. This will only work in the absence of your explanations, which are really just excuses ~ stories of why his pain isn’t your fault, why it’s his father’s fault, or his fault for refusing to allow you into his life.

When you are done hearing his wretched story, validate his feelings. Tell him that you can’t even fathom how awful it was for him. Let him know that you can’t imagine having grown up without a mother. And then apologize.

What you’ve done in the past is skip all the parts and jump to the apology, which in an situation like this is sort of meaningless, because you don’t really understand what you’re apologizing for.  The apology felt empty, your son failed to heal and so the relationship never repaired. This is what is necessary. You’ve tried it your way and it hasn’t gotten you the outcome you want. Try it my way. You have nothing to lose.

The wedding is just a big distraction from the real issue ~ or maybe it’s serving as a microscope to illuminate the reality of your relationship with your son.  Let go of your expectations. Of course they will not accept money from you for the wedding. They don’t want to lose control. It’s a privilege to pay for a child’s wedding, and you haven’t earned it yet. If you play this right, you’ll have the rest of your son’s life to contribute to his life. There will be the first house, the second house, the first grandchild, etc. But this has to happen first. You may need some counseling to prep you for how to do this because when I say this will take enormous emotional muscles, I’m not exaggerating. Focus on your love for your son and that will fuel you through this chapter. And let me know if I can be of further help.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Lesbian.