Navigating Polyamory with Attachment Theory

Attachment theory teaches us that the bonds we form with our caregivers as children creates a blueprint—a map—for how we trust, connect, and build relationships throughout our lives. By the time we reach adulthood, we’ve developed what’s called an attachment style. This attachment style shapes how we seek closeness, handle conflict, and navigate the emotional complexities of adult relationships. And to keep it simple, that style will either be secure (ideally) or insecure (more likely). 

If you suspect you’ve got one of the insecure attachment styles, don’t lose hope. We aren’t trapped by the attachment style we inherit from childhood. Healing is possible. And it often happens through our adult relationships—when we choose partners who help us feel safe, who show up for us consistently, who speak the truth, and who navigate conflict in ways that make us feel seen rather than abandoned.

That might already sound like a tall order in a monogamous relationship. But what if your relationship model isn’t monogamy? What if, despite carrying the weight of an insecure attachment style or a history of trauma, the kind of relationship you crave involves multiple partners? Can you still find emotional security and healing in a non-monogamous relationship?

That’s where today’s conversation gets interesting. For people with secure attachment styles, non-monogamy might feel more intuitive—they can handle trust, openness, and emotional regulation across multiple relationships. But for those with insecure attachment styles or unresolved trauma, non-monogamy can amplify challenges like jealousy, fear of abandonment, or emotional withdrawal. 

Today, we’re diving into this with Jessica Fern, a therapist who has dedicated her work to exploring the intersection of attachment, trauma, and non-monogamy. Her book, Polysecure, shines a light on how we can build emotional security, even in non-traditional relationships.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

  • How attachment styles develop in childhood and why they play such a significant role in our adult relationships.
  • How someone with an insecure attachment style may experience non-monogamy differently from someone with a secure style.
  • Concrete practices that people in any relationship model can use to build emotional security, both within themselves and with their partners.

Xxoo Darcy

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