My Partner Wants Me To Do This On Christmas

Hi Dr. Darcy.

The holidays are always a little tricky with my husband and me.

My parents were happily married when I was a child, and part of our holiday tradition was to visit various family members over Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. It was always fun being with family and celebrating.

My husband’s parents divorced when he was young. So he remembers holidays as being bounced around from one house to the next. On Christmas Eve, his mom would drag him to his grandparents’ home, then to his aunts, then to his cousins. Then his dad would pick him up on Christmas morning, and the whole scenario would repeat with the other side of the family.

As a married couple, each of us wants to spend the holiday in different ways. 

I love going to my mom’s or my sister’s and spending time with them. On the other hand, my husband would love the holidays to be a little quieter with more time at home alone with our kids. 

What is the right thing to do in this situation?

Such a perfect question for this week. 

When you merge two lives you’re bound to find differences in the traditions you want to start together as a new family unit.

The first thing you should know is this: Compromise doesn’t mean selling out. Or losing yourself. 

But there’s no such thing as having a relationship without needing to compromise. That’s the name of the game.

But there’s a tipping point to doing it without becoming resentful…

And no one wants a resentful spouse over the holidays (or any other time of the year for that matter).

So, you should know that this doesn’t have to be an either/or situation. You don’t have to completely be a recluse or run around all day Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

Here’s what to do:

Make a list of all the holiday traditions / holiday activities you want to engage in. Ask your husband to do the same (tell him that staying at home with immediate family counts as an activity). Then, each of you rate the importance for each tradition/activity on a scale of 0-10 [10=can’t fathom living without it. 0=holds no importance to you at all].

Grab your calendar and schedule time for the activity that you each rated the highest. Then, take turns adding items to the calendar in order of importance to each of you. 

At the end of the day, you should both feel like you got some of what you want but not all of what you want. That’s the nature of compromise. It’s a moderate win-win for both people. With no losers. And no exclusive winners. Because in relationships, when one person wins, the relationship loses. 

Writer’s Demographics:
Gender: Female
Sexual Orientation: Straight