Is my wife cheating?

Over the last few weeks my wife’s behavior has changed. She has been hanging out with friends almost every night, not coming home until 6AM, having sleepovers (WTF?!), and even ditching our plans to do other things with other people. I’ve expressed to her that I’d like her to find a balance because every single day is excessive, which she did not agree with. She says that she just has more energy now since getting off birth control and she just wants to be out doing things, having fun.

I am not worried about her cheating because she’s never given me a reason not to trust her, and I know I can’t stop her even if she was going to cheat. I’m just not sure what to do now, since I’ve expressed my feelings and nothing has changed. What do you suggest I do from here?

Your wife can call this whatever she wants – there’s something wrong. You know it and I know it. 

You’re right: If she’s cheating, there’s nothing you can do about it, but your marriage is in big trouble and someone needs to fight for it.

I would RUN, not walk, to find a couple’s counselor. Once you’ve found the shrink, tell your wife that you’ve scheduled an appointment and that going isn’t optional.

Here I’m going to pause and tell you that my gut’s saying there’s more to this story than you’re aware of or than you’re sharing…

Partners don’t make 180-degree changes like this. I’m in the business of change and even when people want to change with everything they’ve got, it’s a slow, arduous process that their bodies fight against.

My bet is that you’ve been unplugged from the relationship, from her, or both, for a period of time. Probably a long time. Maybe you’ve been plugged in your own way, but it’s not the way she’s needed.

She’s probably been letting you know in smaller ways that have gone unnoticed by you, so she’s escalated her behaviors to a level that you can’t ignore. Which doesn’t make this your fault. But it’s information you need to examine.

At the end of the day, if she won’t go to counseling, there’s nothing you can do. Except to set a boundary around what you will and won’t tolerate in a marriage – and exit the relationship if it no longer resembles what you signed up for.

But please hear me when I say – This is not entirely her fault. I promise you that there’s something you’ve been missing (unconsciously or because you’ve been neglectful), and if you don’t get clarity around that and resolve how you’re going to correct for it in the future, this story is going to play out again in your next relationship. Because like all relationship issues, this is a YOU problem, not a PARTNER problem. And the fact that you’re unilaterally focused on your wife’s behaviors tells me you haven’t learned that yet.

Writer’s Demographics:
Female
Lesbian