Q

Hi Dr. Darcy, 

I’m wondering if you have any tactics on how to handle COVID19 bully’s? My mother-in-law doesn’t believe in what she calls, “living in fear” and has not been social distancing. Furthermore, tonight while FaceTiming with her she made several demeaning comments about our choice to stay isolated. 

[My husband and I] have the ability to work from home and have been doing so successfully. We have gone out for the necessities like food shopping but otherwise staying in. We have no desire or need to be out. I let her rude comments go initially feeling some kind of way. 

Her comments and questions were purposefully challenging our ways. I don’t want to create a big family drama but I certainly don’t care to hear her feedback on how I’m keeping my family safe. Any thoughts you have on future responses would be appreciated. Thanks!

A

The problem is both a micro and macro one:

On a micro level, your mother-in-law is behaving like an asshole: She’s trying to provoke a fight either because she is an unhappy person or because of the stress she’s feeling at this moment (most likely the former). 

The macro problem is that the cure to this pandemic requires social cooperation; something that’s antithetical to America’s history of rugged individualism. Rugged individualism refers to a belief that individuals should be completely  self-reliant and independent from governmental directives or assistance. 

Basically, we don’t want to be told what to do by anyone – least of which, by our government. 

Rugged individualism focuses exclusively on oneself, one’s immediate family, and leaves the rest of the world to fend for themselves, the shortfalls of which are bad enough during normal times, but in this pandemic, what YOU do directly affects me and what I do directly affects you, therein creating a cognitive dissonance among rugged individualists. 

In my last vlog, linked here, I discuss how this pandemic is going to bring out the best and the worst in people, and how everyone will be remembered for how they show up and behave in this moment: 

Did you cooperate? Did you extend a hand to help? Did you sow discord, as your monster-in-law is doing?  Did you contemplate how your actions or inactions are directly impacting the trajectory of the war we’re fighting? 

I alone can’t fix the macro problem without rugged individualists agreeing to change their way of thinking, if only during this pandemic.

 But I can fix your micro problem: Let your husband visit his mother on FaceTime alone. Find yourself too busy with some chore to participate, and send your regrets. Don’t expose yourself to her toxic bullshit. It’s bad for your mental health and it’s bad for your own immune system.  And, obviously, keep her out of your home. 

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