How Soon Is Too Soon To Move In?

Dear Dr. Darcy: 

I want to move in with my boyfriend. We’ve been dating 8 months and my lease is up in 5 weeks. He doesn’t think we’ve dated long enough but if we don’t move in now, we’ll be dating at least another year before my new lease is up. It really feels like he’s just stalling.  There are so many legitimate reasons to do this now. Why should we be paying 2 rents for another year if moving in together is inevitable?

ANSWER

Because it’s not inevitable. Your guy’s buying himself some time – a smart move given that you’re likely still in the honeymoon phase of your relationship. You still see each other through a haze of love (click here to see how your brain responds to being in love).  Your drug soaked brains can’t decipher alarming data from charming data.  But like all honeymoons, yours will come to an end. Probably within the next 4 months.

I know that the lure of a bigger apartment in a better neighborhood – with half the rent and half the chores - is appealing, but the truth is you can’t possibly know who this man is yet – and he can’t know who you are. Your bodies are still producing neurochemicals that cause you to be on your best behavior while simultaneously diminishing your ability to accurately identify negative information. This is not a moment in your life when you should be making long-term decisions. Lucky for you, your guy knows this.

If you’re feeling like it’s too difficult to control the urge to push the issue further, schedule a night to sit down with your guy and ask him to answer the questions linked right here.  His answers will give you all the willpower you need. You’re welcome.

Gender & Orientation: Female, Straight. 

Sexpectations

Dear Dr. Darcy:

My boyfriend doesn't please me in bed. Basically he won’t go down on me. He says that all the other girls he dated were able to come through penetration. He’s tried giving me oral sex a few times but always stops after a minute or two. Whenever I try to discuss it I feel like he turns it into there being something wrong with me that I can’t come through sex. He’s made it clear he doesn’t like going down on women but for me that’s the only way I can orgasm. I’ve looked up how to have vaginal orgasms and I keep trying but it just never works. Is there something wrong with me?

ANSWER

No. There’s nothing wrong with you. In fact, there’s a lot right with you. That you were willing to take responsibility for your sexual satisfaction by researching how to have vaginal orgasms tells me that you don’t need to make your boyfriend wrong – which tells me that you don’t need to always be right.

That said, your boyfriend sounds like a selfish asshole. Actually, worse: Selfish would mean he’d take responsibility for not wanting to go down on you. This douchebag implies that there’s something wrong with you for not being able to come through penetration, which, by the way, puts you in the population of the majority of women in the world.

He doesn’t like going down on you? I don’t know too many straight women who enjoy the lockjaw that they get from blowing their partners – yet they do it anyway. I don’t understand a partner who is content with being sexually satisfied while their partner clearly hasn’t finished.  I’d rather be alone with a vibrator than partnered with your boyfriend – even if I weren’t married. And gay.

Gender & Orientation: Female, Bisexual. 

The Keys To A FABULOUS Relationship

Welcome to Ask Dr. Darcy, authored by the laziest blogger in the Universe. Actually, that’s not entirely true. I’ve been busy filming the first season of E! Network’s newest show, Famously Single, in which 8 un-partnered celebrities live together under one roof while I help them develop relationship and dating skills. The experience has been amazing – and ever since we wrapped production, I’ve been inundated with requests to share my top tips for a healthy relationship, so here you go:

1. The needs of the relationship always need to trump the needs of the individuals in the relationship. Neither of you is a priority anymore – the relationship is. Think of it as a baby. Feed it first, then yourselves.

2. Follow the 0-100% Principle. Attempt to meet all your own needs, asking nothing of your partner. Sounds nuts, I know. I thought the same thing when a shrink told me to do it. Four months later, I no longer needed couple’s counseling. Here’s a link to this crazy concept:

3. Don’t be a right fighter. Don’t attempt to be right in arguments. If one person wins, the relationship loses. Look for win-win outcomes.

4. Catch your partner doing something right. Every. Day. We get so caught up focusing on what our partners do wrong – even in the best of times. Want your partner to transform into the person of your dreams? Stop all criticism – and start thanking them for things they do right. It takes discipline because our minds naturally stray towards the negative. Then again, so does going to work daily, and we manage to do that. 

5. Always take turns talking, never speak over each other, confirm that you heard what your partner said and find something valid in their perspective. All humans want is to be heard and validated. I want to know that you’re listening to me and that what I’m saying makes sense to you – even if you don’t agree with me.

Want a more in depth ebook on this topic? Click here to download my FREE ebook which has homework assignments to help transform your relationship!