Sex Redefined

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Dear Dr. Darcy:

I'm a gold star lesbian and haven't experimented with penetration with my ex girlfriends, so does this mean I haven't had sex? And is it normal for some lesbians not to have been penetrated by a strap on etc?

ANSWER

The definition of sex needs an update, you hear that, Merriam-Webster? The existing definition, which characterizes sex as an act occurring between a male and a female in which penetration occurs, is patriarchal and hetero-normative.  Its failure to include references of homosexual sex can lead one to believe that the failure to engage in penetration renders one a virgin – which is as ridiculous as stating that a girl who uses a tampon is no longer a virgin.

So let’s decide what the new definition is:

Sex: When two people engage in physical intimacy that includes but is not limited to: oral sex, penetrative sex, or digital sex.

Now for the second half of your question: Plenty of lesbians do not engage in or enjoy penetration – and plenty rock a strap-on with pleasure. The beauty of being gay is that we get to write our own rules and determine our own norms. Any intimacy between two consenting adults (that doesn’t involve anything that cannot consent) is fine.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Lesbian.

Planning the Funeral of Lesbian Bed Death

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Dear Dr. Darcy,

This is a final follow-up report to your blog entry of March 3 [linked to here].

I did follow the 0/100 rule, which worked great for the relationship. And I eventually gathered whatever courage and optimism I had left and tried to initiate some sex with my partner, with no pressure and no expectation. And, not surprisingly, she showed zero interest.

I should be used to it by now but I still feel extremely hurt and rejected at times (and pissed-off at her for what I perceive as her total lack of honesty, i.e. saying she's still attracted to me while consistently refusing any sexual intimacy of any kind).

But mostly, I want to move on, with as much compassion as possible.She is not willing or able to do any work to improve the situation. Wewant different things in a relationship at this point…

In a little while, I might try to date other people, while being completely open about my status of course. It seems that living separately would be better, even though selling our house seems so radical (but tempting at times: maybe she will finally understand the extent of the problem...).

Any advice about how to move on and to preserve the love and companionship that remains after the end of any sexual connection?

ANSWER

You can’t have an agenda of both moving on and preserving the relationship – one has to trump the other and the two may prove to be mutually-exclusive. I’m just letting you know the reality so that your expectations can be reasonable.

Furthermore, you can’t unilaterally decide to date other people while living in your home together. Are you kidding me? You’re contemplating ending a 20+ year relationship – but what stands out to you as drastic is selling the house? I’m truly confused.

Rather than trying to understand your thinking, I’m going to simply tell you what to do:

  1. Let her know that you are ending the relationship. Tell her that your intention is to do this with dignity and love.
  2. Inform her that you’ll be moving out (you’ll need to have a place to go that day or shortly thereafter as remaining under the same roof will be torture to you both). Since you want to end the relationship, you’re the one who should be inconvenienced by the decision. If, however, she expresses a desire to move out, allow that.
  3. You’ll need to decide to either sell the house or cover the household expenses yourself. Whatever you decide to do, you need to be in charge of it since you’re pulling the plug on the relationship.
  4. Give your partner a few months to catch her breath before you begin dating other women. It’s the classy thing to do.

That should take you through the summer.  Do this my way and you’ll be happy you did – because it’s the right way to end things. And please keep us apprised of your progress.

Writer’s stats: Female, Lesbian.

Hopeless In California

Dr. Darcy, I've been with my current girlfriend for a year and a half now.  She's a wonderful woman whom I love dearly and plan to marry. The only issue is our sex life. We've never really had much of a sex life and I am the problem.  My desire for sex is just not there. I never initiate anything sexual and as the "butch" one that is a problem. My girlfriend is now angry and resentful that I haven't done anything to fix our problem but quite honestly I don't know how to fix it.  I am on the verge of losing her. I want to fix it but just don't know where to start.  The times I do try and start an intimate encounter, she thinks I am just doing it to appease her and not because I want it.

I am lost and don't know what to do to fix it. I would greatly appreciate any advice.

Regards,

Hopeless in CA

ANSWER

Hang in there – we’re going to fix this.

I’m going to give this to you honestly - and it’s not going to sound sexy or very romantic. And for those of my followers who are hopeless romantics, I’m warning you now: You’re not going to love this post.

Here’s the thing: You don’t necessarily feel like working every day, right? But somehow you manage. The same goes for working out. And once you’re doing it, I’m sure you derive some pleasure from it. We do lots of things that we’re not necessarily initially in the mood for, but we do them anyway and generally, we’re glad we did them.

Having sex – and not having sex, becomes habitual. And your problem is that you’re waiting to feel differently before you act differently – and it’s not working. You can behave your way to a good sexual relationship. Sex attracts more sex. And having sex ups our desire to have sex.

You’ve got to end the cycle of not having sex. Today. And yes, your girlfriend is going to feel like you’re initiating sex to appease her, but you’re not. And that’s not a signal to stop. That’s a signal to reassure her that you’re doing it because you want to have sex, because you love her and because the two of you deserve to have a fulfilling sex life.

Am I making myself clear? I want you to have sex today. Don’t worry about what she thinks, cancel whatever plans you have, and make love to your girlfriend. Today.

Please report back.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Lesbian.