Above The Waist

 

Dear Dr. Darcy:

I’m a college senior and getting ready to return to school for the spring semester and I’m feeling enormous anxiety and panic about something that happened just before break: I went to a party at school and smoked some pot which I’m guessing had something in it because I was more high than I’ve ever been in my life and I wound up hooking up with a girl. I’ve always sort of fantasized about hooking up with a girl but it always involved things from the waist up and NEVER below the belt. Anyway, I vaguely remember being on the receiving end of oral and I remember it being the most intense orgasm I’ve ever had. I’m sure you’re wondering what the problem is… I’m STRAIGHT. I am fine with you being gay, but I’m not gay. I support gay rights, but I like boys. I want to get married and have children and live in the suburbs. I want a traditional life and I’m freaking the fuck out over this. My panic attacks have gotten so bad that I don’t even want to go back to school at the end of the month. I haven’t been able to enjoy vacation at all because I’m so sick with guilt over what I did.  Is it still possible that I’m straight even though a woman gave me the best orgasm of my life?

ANSWER

Yes, it’s possible, even likely, that you’re still straight. A person’s orientation rarely changes overnight. So take a deep breath, Above The Waist, and let me talk you down from the ledge.

You are in college. This is the time in your life to experiment, sans concerns of a mortgage, a job and nosy neighbors. What you did is very common for someone in college. It doesn’t have to be a defining experience. And you do not need to be gay to have had a fabulous orgasm from someone of the same sex.  You just needed to be relaxed and really in the moment, which you clearly were.

Your panic attacks should be dealt with. Don’t ignore them. I wouldn’t want you to miss classes because of anxiety, particularly when you’re so close to the finish line. Email me directly and I’ll hook you up with a shrink in your area or with one who works via Skype.  If it’s any consolation, I can assure you that I’ve had lots of sex with men in my life, much of which I enjoyed, and I am most definitely gay.

Writer’s stats: Female, Straight.

Born Again Lesbian

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Screen shot 2013-01-03 at 10.26.05 AM

Dear Dr. Darcy:

I am extremely confused. I am 32 and have been in relationships with men, to whom I have been attracted, all my life. However, I discovered an intense attraction to women in college. This attraction seemed to grow, and I often have a female friend with benefits on the side. About four years ago, something snapped in me, and I became disgusted by kissing men and engaging with their parts. . However, shortly thereafter, I was "wooed" by a really wonderful man, even though I told him I was a born-again-lesbian. I finally gave in and opened my heart in a way I never had before. We dated on and off for 3 years. The sex wasn't good at first, but eventually I fell so in love I became very attracted as well. Finally, we broke up for good. I began to date a woman, finally, and the sex was mind-blowing and beyond anything I had ever experienced. Unfortunately, the relationship was awful and emotionally abusive. Now the man I was in love with is coming back, and when he tries to kiss me I feel like I am going to gag or vomit, like I can't stomach it, and I feel violated and overwhelmed by the idea of a penis entering me. On the other hand, my female ex (aka dragon woman), I feel completely sexually open to and excited by. The man I love wants to know if I am gay or straight. I want to be with him, I feel attracted initially, but when his penis comes out I feel overwhelmed and grossed out.  I am terrified I am betraying my sexuality. I don't know what parts of this are sexual orientation and what parts are object relations/trauma. Do you have any advice?

ANSWER

Step away from the straight man. If you love him, work this shit out before getting involved with him. I think you have more than sexual orientation confusion going on here. I think you’re missing important life lessons that you should be taking away from each of your failed relationships.  I don’t hear any awareness of what you did to contribute to the end of the relationships. Calling your ex Dragon Woman completely distracts from the fact that you were attracted to her, making you a willing participant in that relationship. What does that say about you and where you are on your personal development journey? We are attracted to people who are mirror images of our own personal development.  I’d say that relationship warrants some self-reflection. You didn’t just pick wrong. You picked right for where you were in your life. So how do you need to change to ensure that you won’t attract or be attracted to someone like that again? That’s the first question you need to ask yourself.

The second question is why you’re resisting what your body is telling you.  You could spend your life on some shrink’s couch, paying the mortgage on her Hampton’s home, questioning whether or not object relations theory can explain your repulsion to the penis, or you can get on with your life, date women, and see how it goes. I recommend the latter.

Writer’s stats: Female, Uncertain.

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