I Did, But Now I Don’t

Hi Dr. Darcy.  My partner and I live in NY. We’ve been together for several years and now that same sex marriage is legal, she’s really pushing me to get married.  I would be fine keeping things as they are, but it means a lot to her and I’m ok with getting married.  My question is what are your thoughts about me taking a night off before we get married?  My partner is monogamous and not open to a threesome and I figure if I’m about to take the leap, I’d like one last night to myself.

ANSWER

Since same sex marriage passed in New York State, I’ve received almost a dozen emails from members of the LGBT community who now feel pressured to follow through on the empty promise that they made to their partner when same sex marriage wasn’t allowed.  Apparently it’s easy to say you'd like to get married when you know you can’t.

Forget the night off.  I’m not even going to answer that question because it doesn’t go to the heart of the matter.  The real question that you should be asking is whether you should get married to make good on a promise that you thought the law would preclude you from making good on.  And the answer is NO.

You don’t want to get married.  How do I know?  Well, for starters, you could have gotten married years ago as a NYS resident, had you gotten married in any other state where same sex marriage was legal.  That’s what I did.  And NYS recognized it back in 2009.  And if you think it’s a pain in the ass to go to Connecticut to get a marriage license that will be recognized by New York, wait until you try making a marriage work.  You don’t want to get married, girlfriend.  And it’s hard enough to make marriage work when you do.

Do yourself (and the LGBT community) a favor and spare us a doomed marriage.  Say to the girlfriend, “I did want to get married, but now I don’t,” and just come clean.  Give her an opportunity to find a woman who wants to get married, and you’ll be freed up for as many nights off as your heart desires.