6 Reasons Your Life Blows

6 Reasons Your Life Blows

Welcome to Tuesday's Tips at Ask Dr. Darcy! If you’re unhappy with any aspect of your life ~ the amount of money you have, the quality of your relationships, or your inability to reach your goals, it’s a result of 2 things: The way you’re thinking and the way you are acting.

To get a new result, you’re going to have to adopt and employ a new way of thinking and acting. It is that simple.

How can I be certain that you have to replace your current way of thinking and acting? Because the definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result, and I’m making the presumption that you’re not insane.

Click below to read the 6 most common irrational beliefs that create unhappy lives - and how to fix it.

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7 Reasons You Don’t Have Time

Welcome to Tuesday’s Tips at Ask Dr. Darcy. Here are the 9 most common reasons why you don’t have time. Change these habits and you’ll change your life. Because that’s what the quality of our life comes down to: Do your daily habits serve you? If they do, you’re successful. If they don’t, you’re not. Success is nothing more than good habits repeated daily. Failure is nothing more than poor habits repeated daily. 

1. You say, "I don't have time," and because of that, you don't make time. Time is the universal equalizer-we all have the exact same amount. You're certainly not the busiest person on the planet. Stop bullshitting yourself (and others) and commit to removing the phrase from your vocabulary. I haven't used that sentence since 09. Since then, my productivity has been off the charts.

2. You're a communication whore. You keep your phone ON, jumping every time you receive a text, call, email or Twitter update. And you wonder why you can't get things done? Productive people turn their phones off except during specific times of their choosing. YOU need to decide when you'll be on the phone. Stop being other people's bitch.

3. You haven't created a system for being held accountable. You need an Action Partner - someone who you'll commit to completing a certain action, and to whom you'll report back at a specific time and give an update. My clients use Action Partners daily. And they get shit done.

4. You tell yourself great stories that minimize the importance of completing a task - and you buy it. You look at the mail and tell yourself that there isn't enough time to open it all and that you'll do it later, tomorrow, after, etc. Stop having monologues and start having dialogues. Talk back. A part of you knows you're making excuses. Give that part a voice and let her chime in!

5. You overcommit. You're an accommodator and you don't know how to say NO. Look at this month's calendar, identify those activities that don't serve you, and get out of them for next month.

6. You don't use a calendar. Not the right way. If you use one, you probably have more than one so no single calendar has all of your commitments. Or you use a silly old-school one (paper and pen) and you forget it at home or in the car. Or you have a perfectly organized Google Calendar that you don’t look at throughout day, which is the functional equivalent of sailing with a compass that you don't look at. Get on Google Calendar, enter everything you need to do (and specific times), look at it at least three times a day, most importantly when you wake up and before you go to bed.

7. You blow yourself off. You keep the commitments that you make with other people, but when it comes to you, everything’s optional. Start treating yourself the way you’d expect others to. When you look at your calendar and see “Find a Therapist” at 4:00 today, stop whatever you’re doing at 3:58, and Google “find a therapist.” The appointments you have with yourself are no different from the ones you have with others. Don’t be a flake!



Taming Your Inner Bitch

Welcome to Tuesday's Tips at Ask Dr. Darcy.  

Let’s talk about your inner bitch. We all have one. I named mine Marcy. She pops into my head whenever I’m faced with a dilemma that scares me; she presents me with a myriad of problems to every potential solution.  She’s quick to confirm my greatest fears which include (but are certainly not limited to): you’re not smart enough, you don’t think or speak fast enough, you suck at [insert skillset here]. She’s telepathic. She knows that people’s intentions in my life are usually laden with malintent. She has a crystal ball that tells her things aren’t likely to turn out my way.  

For decades, Marcy ran the show, and although I took positive action despite her pessimism looping through my head, she made me fucking miserable. She was like the meanest of the mean girls, but worse, because I couldn’t get away from her. Shrinks suggested that I silence her. “Darcy, just press the mute button in your head and you’ll be rid of her.” What a great idea, as though if such a button were within reach, I wouldn’t have pressed it before spending a hundred thousand dollars on therapy.  

I’m not instantly resourceful when it comes to myself, but when it comes to my clients I’m a passionate problem solver. Years after the therapist instructed me to press my non-existent mute button, I discovered the following:

1.    It’s impossible to instruct oneself to not have a thought. The mere suggestion of the subject directs the brain to hunt for the thought non grata.

2.    What we can do is redirect the brain to a preferred thought. Which got me thinking: Who would I want to reside inside my head instead of Marcy?

3.    Ideally, I’d have wanted Dr. Darcy, however, early on, I wasn’t able to tap into the part of me that takes care of my clients. This is a very common occurrence for people. Initially, we find it easier to channel the voice of a nurturing friend, a coach, or a mentor. So I tapped into my friend Michelina’s voice, who has always been a super supportive force in my life. And I named the voice my Supportive Voice.

4.    Anytime Marcy would rear her nasty head, I’d call up Michelina / my Supportive Voice.

5.    Over time (a few months of real conscious intention), my brain automatically hunted for my Supportive Voice whenever the bitch voice began. 

So it’s less about taming your inner bitch than about developing your supportive voice, but let’s be honest: Who the hell would have clicked on a post entitled, Developing Your Supportive Voice?