Beneath The Surface

Dr. Darcy:

My girlfriend is always complaining that I don’t wear sexy underwear for her. I’ve tried, but most sexy underwear isn’t comfortable. I feel like it’s stupid of her to want me to wear specific underwear. I don’t tell her what underwear to wear. And I really have tried so many kinds but they are so uncomfortable it literally ruins my day. Do you think I’m being unreasonable?


I think you are focusing on the physical discomfort of wearing sexy underwear instead of your deeper discomfort. I’m not sure what your history with your girlfriend is, but seemingly insignificant issues like this can become magnified when they are also part of a power struggle, which is what this sounds like to me. I wonder what other areas of your relationship have prompted one or both of you to dig your heels in and resist compromise.

In relationships, we are invariably asked to do things that don’t feel comfy, choice of term intended. Our willingness to meet the needs of our partner usually has little to do with the specifics of the request, and more to do with whether we want to accommodate any request from our partner.

I don’t have enough information to delve any deeper into the potential meaning of your impasse than I’ve already gone, so in the spirit of helping you to compromise I’m switching gears to discuss one of my all-time favorite topics: Retail Therapy.

I suspect there’s a happy medium between wearing full-bottom cotton briefs and wearing a synthetic, flammable, Swarovski studded thong. I’ve taken the liberty to list 3 lines below that will feel like butter against your skin and hers.

Start by giving your everyday undergarments a little makeover. Keep in mind that good clothing isn’t cheap and cheap clothing isn’t comfy. Select black for both bras and underwear because everything looks sexier in black. And unless you are larger than a size C, choose demi cups for your bras.

The nature of compromise is that it leaves each partner feeling mildly dissatisfied. She’s not getting her thigh-highs, and you’ll be trading in the boxer shorts. Keep in mind that nothing life altering is being asked of you. If you find it hard to make this compromise and keep your panties on, it’s an indication that this issue goes much deeper, and you should contact a therapist.  Happy Shopping.

Cosabella Natori Ongossamar

Model Behavior

Dear Dr. Darcy:

I’m a model and recently signed with Willy [Wilhelmina Models] in NYC.  As you know, the first months with a new agency can make or break your relationship with them.  So here’s my problem:  My girlfriend and I are both from Milan, where she used to accompany me on every shoot (in Italy, it’s acceptable to bring a friend when you’re a female model).  Here in NYC, it’s not so common and recently my booker [agent] told me that I shouldn’t bring her on shoots.  The problem is that she’s possessive and doesn’t want me to go without her.  I pay most of the bills and if I get dropped from my agency it will be hard to find another.  How can I explain this to her?


You are signed to one of the top model agencies in the world.  You are more than a New York City model ~ you’re an international model who has worked in two of the fashion capitals of the world.  With credentials like that, you can probably have a career for decades.

There is nothing even remotely appropriate about showing up to a shoot with a ‘friend.’  Your booker is showing incredible graciousness in his or her willingness to educate you to NYC culture ~ most would shelve you and never send you on another job.  Now that you’ve officially been informed, continuing to bring the jealous girlfriend to any model-related events (including parties) is the equivalent of asking to be dropped from your contract.  And make no mistakes, if you get dropped, you’ll never work in this town again.

The obvious resolution is to set an appropriate boundary with Jealous Girl and if she resists, give her an ultimatum:  Couple’s counseling or find a new home. That this is causing you any conflict tells me that you’ve got your own baggage that needs to be sorted out on a shrink’s couch.

Fashion week starts at the end of this week.  Now’s the time to show your booker and Willy that you’ve got what it takes to succeed in NYC.  If you have to, send the girlfriend out of town for the week so that you can focus on your work.  Get connected with other models through communities like and get your priorities straight or you’ll be about as hot as jeggings.

Butch Makeup


I've been toying around with the idea of experimenting with makeup for years but I’m a butch and I'm worried about how femmes will view me. I certainly don't want to look femme. Is there a way of using it as a butch?


A butch who is willing to experiment with makeup is a woman who isn’t defined by lesbian norms. She is someone who is strong enough to question rules and who is confident enough to decide when to break them and when to write her own rules. I find few things more attractive in life.

The absence of makeup on women who fall to the left of the lesbian spectrum (from soft butch onward) is changing, particularly as we break into mainstream media. You want to be on TV or in a magazine? Guess what? You need to look attractive.

Most of us do not look our best without a little help from the makeup counter, whether it’s to even out the skin tone or to make eyes pop. I happen to believe that there is a way to apply butch / dyke makeup without making said woman look like Lady Gaga.

Think rock star. Imagine you had traditional-looking makeup on, fell asleep with it and woke up the next morning with disheveled hair, eyeliner smudged, but skin tone even. That’s the look you’re going for. The 'accidentally hot' look.

Things to avoid:

  • Liquid eyeliner
  • False eyelashes
  • Blush
  • Lipstick (instead, line with lip-colored lip liner, then moisten with Vaseline)
  • Eyebrow anorexia (the over-tweezed look)

Bottom line: There absolutely is a way to wear makeup without resembling an over-waxed Metrosexual, a middle-aged housewife or like you’re in a burlesque show. Use caution, follow your gut and head on over to the MAC store (and I don’t mean computers here).

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